‘I always lived with a fear that I had done something wrong’
FOR five years, a young mum suffered emotional and mental abuse at the hands of her husband, but it was when he attacked her in what was their family home that she fled for good.
Carrie Seymour was used to living in fear and would come home from doing the weekly shop terrified she might have forgotten something off the list.
Her husband would go through the bags to make sure she had got what he wanted – and to miss anything was to guarantee another tirade of abuse.
She spent Christmas 2017 in a women’s refuge, having decided to leave him, but went back in January to the family home to pick up some possessions she’d left behind.
It was then that he locked her in the house she’d once shared with him and turned on her, pushing her on to the sofa with his hands around her neck and kicking her in the ribs.
Out of sheer terror, she managed to escape out of the downstairs window, leaving her youngest son inside the house with him.
She ran straight to her daughter’s school, knowing that’s where he would be going too.
But with bruise marks around her neck and upset from what had just happened, she was picked up by Llamau – a charity dedicated to helping young people and vulnerable women facing homelessness. She never returned home.
While it was the physical abuse that people finally noticed, the invisible mental torture was worse, said the 37-year-old mother of five.
“Bruises fade and bones heal,” Carrie said.
“When he was playing with my mind, it was worse. I would be always doubting myself, never feel good enough for anyone. I always lived in fear, with constant doubt in my mind.”
The mental abuse had always been a part of their relationship since they married in 2012, Carrie said. It stopped her from leaving the house and left her always second-guessing what he might say or do to her. Even a shopping trip left her fraught with worry.
“I would be checking the shopping list to make sure I had everything he wanted,” Carrie said.
“If I hadn’t got some things, he’d ask why and get angry. It really knocked my confidence and made me anxious.
“Toward the end it became physical. He would slap me in the face and spit in my face. Then in January, when I went back to the house to get a picture I’d left behind, he tripped me over and put my face down into the settee and kicked me in the ribs.”
No-one had been aware of what was happening behind closed doors and Carrie kept it to herself, too scared to tell anyone.
Her partner hadn’t just been putting her down throughout their relationship, but continually accused her of having an affair and demanded she show him her phone to prove she wasn’t in contact with anyone else.
He even sneaked up behind her and snatched her mobile out of her pocket to check up on who she’d been messaging.
“I was afraid to do anything in case it made him angry or made him have a go at me,” she said.
“I always lived with a fear that I had done something wrong.”
Even when she’d left and found a safe home for herself and her children, with the support of Llamau, the fear took a long time to disappear.
“When I first left, my anxiety was through the roof,” she said.
“I was constantly checking over my shoulder to check he wasn’t there.”
She separated from him at the end of 2017 and in 2018 he appeared in court and pleaded guilty to assaulting
Carrie by beating. He also admitted to destroying her phone and was handed a community order at Newport Magistrates’ Court as well as a restraining order forbidding him to contact her or enter her home.
The experience has left her reluctant to be around men, out of fear for what might happen.
“I’m 37 with five young children,” she added. “Only now have I got that confidence to do something for myself.”
Carrie is putting that newfound confidence to good use and has embarked on a painting and decorating course at Coleg y Cymoedd at its Ystrad Mynach campus. She’s always been interested in renovation projects, which had been a hobby while raising her children, but the years of abuse meant she didn’t take her passion any further.
“I had always enjoyed doing painting and decorating projects such as renovating my children’s bedrooms or helping friends put up new wallpaper,” Carrie continued.
“Seeing the finished work would make me feel really proud and I knew that it was something that I wanted to pursue further, career-wise. However, after my experience with domestic violence, my confidence was badly affected. I had a lot of self-doubt and felt too afraid to go after my personal goals and ambitions.”
She’s had to rebuild her life as a single mum on her own, she said, but hasn’t let that hold her back. Although she’s come a long way since leaving her former partner, she still feels uncomfortable having men do work around her home. And it was that realisation that there are other women out there who will have been or are in the same situation as her that inspired her to finally rekindle her love of renovation.
“I want to use my skills as a female painter and decorator to help make these individuals feel more at ease,” she said.
It’s with this in mind that Carrie is hoping to support domestic violence survivors by creating her very own painting and decorating business after getting her qualifications.
She is set to finish her foundation painting and decorating level one course this summer and begin her level two qualification later this year.
Her tutor and construction lecturer, David Williams, is impressed that she’s turned her life around and said: “Her determination to help other women going through domestic violence is truly inspiring.”
But for Carrie, the real success is in winning back her confidence.
She said: “I know now I am good enough and I will do it.
“Life is better and I don’t have to worry about what I’m spending my money on or who I’m talking to.”
■ The Live Fear Free helpline can be contacted on 0808 8010 800 or text 078600 77 333.