Story behind that incident
It frustrated the heck out of me as well because I didn’t think it was that bad. The pictures made it look horrendous and people were putting two and two together and getting five.
Warren Gatland was great in fairness and he did reach out after the initial message came through from Thumper. He didn’t say a lot but he just told me: “Get yourself sorted and be ready to come back in a few weeks.”
I hadn’t hurt anyone. I think they did a bit of digging and probably found that out for themselves. I still wasn’t entirely convinced that I wanted to go to New Zealand but, luckily, I hadn’t let that slip to any of the management.
Soon after the incident, my ex-girlfriend Aimee got in touch.
Our break-up had played a part in my behaviour at the time and, whether she knew that or not, she reached out after seeing my name – and the pictures – in the newspapers. I think she figured that I was in a pretty rough spot mentally and she wanted to check in on me.
It was Aimee who talked me into going to a wellness centre in Kent, where I spent a week following the incident.
She sold it to me as this place where successful people – from celebrities to business people – go in order to gain that one or two percent that can make all the difference.
It wasn’t a rehabilitation facility and I wasn’t dealing with those sorts of demons. But she thought it would be good for me to sort my head out a little bit because it was clear to those closest to me that I wasn’t coping.
Obviously, I disagreed. I wasn’t convinced that I needed to spend time at some wellness centre but there was plenty of upside.
It would give me a chance to shut off from the world a little bit, which was going to be necessary because I knew I would be in for a fair bit of flak in the coming days.
Phillips didn’t know what to expect being among a group of strangers, but like others he sat around and spoke about stress and how to deal with it. He found the week worthwhile
BEING able to open up like that, speak freely and discuss what was going on in my head was really quite beneficial. It felt like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders.
That week in the wellness centre helped get my mind right and process everything that was going on. It also gave me a real appreciation of the benefits of focusing on your mental health.
By the time I was done in Kent, I felt recharged and was ready to throw myself into the World Cup campaign. I went on to play some of the best rugby of my career at the World Cup, so the trip to the centre must have had some impact.
Publicly, the Welsh Rugby Union had said that I was suspended ‘indefinitely’, which made it look like they’d taken a strong stance against what had happened.
They also said there had been some meeting with the WRU’s top brass. That never happened.
I didn’t get fined for it, which may come as a surprise to some. I think they just realised that it was really much ado about nothing and that the two weeks were sufficient.
Also, at the end of the day, I hadn’t punched anyone and it’s not a crime to have an argument.
Before I could get to the training field, I had to face my team-mates. I wasn’t thrilled about the idea of standing in a room full of players and pouring my heart out to them. I’m a pretty reserved bloke who likes to keep things to himself but Gats pulled me to one side and pushed for it.
Gats wanted me to say to the squad that I had issues but I was like: “Hang on now! I haven’t got issues!” There was no way I was going to stand there and say that but I knew I had to look them in the eye and let them know that I held myself accountable for what happened.
I stood up at a meeting, just after breakfast, in front of the entire squad. That scenario is pretty much my worst nightmare, to be stood in front of everyone, explaining myself.
I was dreading it but I had to do it. I said the bare minimum to get through it as quickly as I possibly could. And behind it all, I didn’t really feel like I deserved to be going through all this. I didn’t hit anyone, I walked away from an argument.
But here I was, standing in front of the team. I said: “Sorry for what I’ve done and for letting you boys down. I’m determined to put it right and will make it up to you.”
I told them I’d been in a bad place, changed my attitude and I vaguely alluded to the fact I’d been to the wellness centre, which was a huge deal for me. It was only 2011 but there was still a significant stigma attached to mental health, particularly in an environment bursting with testosterone, like rugby.
Meeting over. Nobody really spoke after me, we just got on with it. Which was exactly what I was hoping for.