Dear annemarie...
Anne-marie Lear is an experienced counsellor who has helped many people overcome struggles including mental health issues, bereavement, isolation and relationship problems. Here she offers guidance on a range of readers’ issues MY 17-year-old son has mental health issues that are worrying me. Compared to his brother and sister I’d say he’s different. He’s a high achiever academically, but always says he doesn’t fit in anywhere. He hates loud noise and is particular about having things in a certain order. He’s self-harmed in the past after an episode of bullying at school and I’m sure he’s doing it again as he is worrying about going to university. I know he’s fearful about not fitting in. His school predicts he’ll do well but I’m deeply worried as I’ve seen how he shuts himself down and becomes quite reclusive when stressed. My husband and I wonder if he has some sort of autism. There were some complications during his birth and I nearly lost him, I’ve always worried I’ll lose him again. I’m constantly distracted by this worry and it’s causing tension between me and my husband. Can you help please? Jaina
AS a mum we instinctively know when something is wrong with our child, when they’re suffering we can feel their pain. You mirror his emotions as intrusive thoughts of fear and anxiety become overwhelming. It’s understandable your family are under pressure, but division between you and your husband won’t help the situation, and may exacerbate anxiety for your son, so it’s important to maintain unity. Prioritising your family’s needs must come first. Can you talk to your employer and explain the situation and take some time off whilst you address your son’s health issues?
You’re right to be concerned about his selfharming as this should always be taken seriously; once started it can be difficult to stop and left unattended can lead to suicidal thoughts. For many, self-harming is a coping strategy, the emotional pain is so overwhelming that physical pain is used to alleviate unbearable tension and intrusive thoughts; it’s a cry for help and this is why it’s important we find him the support he needs to allow him to come to an understanding of what’s affecting him.
Experiences of bullying can trigger feelings of low self-worth, loneliness, anxiety and fear. He may not want to worry you, and as these negative emotions build they can leave him in a place where he’s unsure of who to go to, or where to reach out, and instead shuts himself down.
He may display traits of autism, suggesting that his health issues may be more complex than you realise and it’s advisable that further investigation is carried out through your GP who can arrange an assessment. It’s important to identify stress triggers and come to a greater understanding of the challenges your son faces on a daily basis.
I’d reassure him of how much he is loved and I’d suggest you gently encourage him to recognise that when he’s under distress you are there for him unconditionally. I would suggest you encourage him to seek counselling which can help him work through his emotions within a confidential environment and bring about a greater self-awareness of who he is and how his mind and body are working. This should give him the confidence to take greater control of his life and bring him and your family reassurance.
■■If you would like Anne-marie to help you through this column, email her on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com with your issue ■■Anne-marie can be contacted on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com or 07951 933028 for a counselling appointment. Therapy sessions are held online via Zoom or Skype. Anne-marie is a fully qualified counsellor and member of the BACP (MBACP) ■■To view Anne-marie’s profile, search Anne-marie Lear on counselling-directory.org.uk