Dear annemarie...
Anne-marie Lear is an experienced counsellor who has helped many people overcome struggles including mental health issues, bereavement, isolation and relationship problems. Here she offers guidance on a range of readers’ issues FOR most of my life, I’ve suffered depression. I don’t remember ever feeling I bonded with my parents. They had professional careers and I was sent to boarding school at primary age. I had a terrible time there, but they did nothing to change my circumstances. Friendships were transitory; the school’s emphasis was on achievement rather than friendship. My childhood was empty and devoid of any love or understanding, and I’d describe my parents as distant. I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced real love. I’ve had relationships, but they lacked any deep emotional connection and floundered, possibly at my inability to connect at a deeper level. I’m desperately lonely yet can’t visualise myself in any long-term relationship. I’m in a well-paid profession, but bored and often think back to when I nearly changed direction for a more fulfilling role but something stopped me. Thinking back I’ve wasted so much time but I don’t have any drive to change any part of my life for the better. In my darkest moments the sense of distress is overwhelming, and I’ve thoughts I would be better off dead as life lacks any purpose. Is there any way out of this? William
YOUR journey is heartbreaking, and I’d like to help you discover where you are at present. A child needs to be nurtured through loving parental bonds, and instead your childhood experiences were of trauma and rejection, and I sense your brokenness. Not every child has an unhappy experience at boarding school but yours contributed greatly to severing your parental bonds of attachment and caused you much psychological distress. I believe you’ve found it difficult to find your own sense of identity and belonging. At this age you would not have had the mental capacity to comprehend these debilitating emotional feelings.
Presently I believe you feel unlovable, as you experience a sense of unworthiness, leading you to feelings of depression. You struggle to form loving relationships and instead feel a sense of emotional numbness. I feel a huge sense of loss as I hear you question your purpose in life as you search, but cannot find any joy in life. Please remember you’ve had to learn to live without love, which completely goes against your natural human needs. This is the hidden aspect of trauma, you’re emotionally wounded and grieving the irreparable loss of childhood and genuine love. Your unconscious mind has an expectation of being rejected; therefore the pattern of disruptive attachment plays out in your adult relationships, your mind can turn the blame inwardly, internalising feelings of anger and resentment, bringing a deep and permanent lack of trust in relationships. Therefore you try to protect your emotions by putting up an invisible shield, which you use as a survival coping mechanism. Fear of abandonment surfacesm causing you to withdraw and cut yourself off from others.
Please reflect on what I’ve said here. Does it feel like your journey? The first step in moving forward is understanding not only where we are, but why we’ve arrived at this place, understanding your own identity and why you feel like you do. Begin by learning to love yourself, accepting who you are, and defining who you want to be. You can then take steps to become that person, sharing your love with others and moving forward towards a brighter future.
■■If you would like Anne-marie to help you through this column, email her on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com with your issue ■■Anne-marie can be contacted on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com or 07951 933028 for a counselling appointment. Therapy sessions are held online via Zoom or Skype. Anne-marie is a fully qualified counsellor and member of the BACP (MBACP)