Dear annemarie...
Anne-marie Lear is an experienced counsellor who has helped many people overcome struggles including mental health issues, bereavement, isolation and relationship problems. Here she offers guidance on a range of readers’ issues MY partner and I had previous relationships that ended because of trust issues. Initially we were great together and I thought we’d be ok. Before I came along he had a platonic relationship with a female friend, but when we met I knew she didn’t like me. There was no warmth, and on occasions she’d blank me or brush me off. He didn’t believe she was a problem, yet I knew she was, he wouldn’t listen. At a party she took me to one side and tried to warn me off. I wasn’t believed and we had a massive bust-up, hurtful things were said and we split up for a few months. During that time while drunk in her company she made a massive play for him and they spent the night together. He’s very remorseful and upset and wants to get back together, he says he barely remembers the evening and wants a fresh start, he says he loves me and I still love him. I do forgive him but keep questioning him, in my mind I’m struggling to see beyond the past. I’ve asked him how he could’ve been so stupid, he’s no clue. I don’t know how to put these trust issues behind us. Can you help please? Izzy
IT’S often the case that the more traumas we’ve experienced the less equipped we can be to create a balanced relationship. Insecurities make us feel unworthy of love and fearful of rejection. If we feel we’ve lost a love we can experience a sense of disconnection, leaving us vulnerable. You’ve experienced relationships that broke down through lack of trust, and trust in relationships is the glue that holds everything together. I believe the behaviours you witnessed, the off-handish manner, and the warning off, left you feeling threatened and with an impending sense of abandonment and rejection. Your previous experiences may have heighted your sense of intuition leading you to pick up on the signals earlier than your partner.
However, moving forward requires more than just forgiving and has to include understanding and compassion and we need to learn the skills of reading another’s emotions. When we’re compassionate we share feelings of deep warmth and empathy. We need to pay full attention to their distress rather than feeling our own, and it’s very hard to be compassionate if we’ve believed we’ve never made our own mistakes!
I’d like you to think about what you believe you mean when you say you forgive him. By bringing the subject up it feels like you wish to continue to punish him rather than showing the compassion and understanding you need to move on together. Firing words such as ‘How could you have been so stupid?’ places an obstacle in the relationship’s healing. Try showing a sense of understanding for how the situation developed, being more present in discussions with him, using words such as ‘let me understand what happened that night’, shows a willingness to listen. Treating people with equal value helps avoid forming pre-conceived ideas and becoming less judgmental. We need to ensure we’re not blind to the many ways we can judge someone, by unintentionally seeming smug or superior. When intrusive thoughts of that event enter your mind, remind yourself the past has gone and your journey together is now.