Dear annemarie...
Anne-marie Lear is an experienced counsellor who has helped many people overcome struggles including mental health issues, bereavement, isolation and relationship problems. Here she offers guidance on a range of readers’ issues
WITHIN my marriage we’ve had considerable stress and heartache, coupled with worries concerning our daughter. The differences in our personalities contributed to the way we coped with unexpected challenges, and we drifted apart. I’ve always been there for him, but I’ve been hurt on many occasions. He knows the issues that brought the hurt and insecurities. This wasn’t helped by having little time to ourselves through long-distance working. Just before lockdown I made a decision to leave. I didn’t think we’d go back, but my daughter became depressed, not helped by all the upheavals of lockdown at school. We wanted to turn the situation around so we decided to try again. Our daughter’s academic and creative, but like her father finds it difficult to show her feelings. She’s interested in meditation, drawing and psychology so I arranged counselling through the school but it didn’t help, she’s not against trying counselling again, but we need further advice. For us, I’ve suggested couple’s counselling. While he’s not against counselling, he doesn’t think couple’s counselling is for him. He wants to move forward without any in-depth conversation. He accepts he struggles to talk and express his feelings but says it shouldn’t matter as we’re all different. The trouble is I still don’t feel married in the full sense of the word. I’m not even sure what I’m looking for in him anymore. Where do I go from here? Petra
I BELIEVE that in a relationship it’s the quality of our presence that’s most precious, and I believe tenderness is at the heart of a loving relationship. Without it we feel the absence, thus creating a sense of emptiness and longing. When tenderness is present there’s no room for insecurities or doubt because it brings wholeness to the relationship, along with respect for each other’s emotions. This is the piece I feel you’re missing within your relationship and I have some suggestions that may move you all forward.
Your husband and daughter may find they can be greatly helped by using expressive arts in therapy. I’ve witnessed much success using creative tools, my favourite being sand tray therapy. Using trays filled with sand, clients create landscapes and three-dimensional pictures using an array of miniature figurines, and other creative materials. The client’s work represents their inner world, often revealing deep-seated emotions.
Sessions can be very deep and powerful, and should only be carried out by a trained professional in a safe environment. It can be perfect for clients who find it hard to verbalise emotions, allowing a wonderful flow of deep emotions to surface, enabling the therapist to empathically listen attentively to what the client is saying without using too many words, thus enabling the client to discover more spiritual aspects of self.
By engaging in this process we can reawaken our conscious awareness, helping to identify who we are, understanding how we feel about those around us, what we are aiming for, and enabling us to freely reach the inner depths of our emotions. It may help your husband and daughter to open their hearts up to emotions previously closed down.