Dear annemarie...
Anne-marie Lear is an experienced counsellor who has helped many people overcome struggles including mental health issues, bereavement, isolation and relationship problems. Here she offers guidance on a range of readers’ issues
I TRAVELLED here from Australia with my husband to pursue the career of our dreams, I’ve never been vulnerable and never experienced confidence issues, but no sooner had we arrived Covid hit and our first experiences of our new life were unexpected. Nobody in our family has had mental health problems but I’ve become terribly lonely, worried and have low mood, to the point where I thought I’d have to return to Australia.
My husband can’t understand it; we’ve made lots of new friends and have a nice home. I’ve had to work extra hours to develop new skills, which hasn’t helped, but I have progressed well in my job. Sometimes I cry because I miss my parents so much. He questions why I’d need the comfort of my parents when we have each other. It’s opened up a big question regarding our relationship and it worries me. We used to live close to our family and saw them often, and were one big happy family, now that we are separated from them I wonder if my husband and I are as strong as I thought we were. Amber
MENTAL health is a big umbrella with issues ranging from mild stress or anxiety to personality disorders; it’s my belief that it’s something that’s experienced by most of us at some point in our lives. We can fall into a trap of believing we should be in control, fully functioning and perfect all the time, but life events and challenges can change everything, and when the unexpected happens we can be thrown off guard, left vulnerable and in a place we don’t recognise.
It’s possible you’re experiencing a sense of isolation, and feeling the distance between you and your family. This sense of isolation also contains a sense of fear with all the uncertainties of the pandemic and the major change in your circumstances. I don’t think it necessarily means your relationship is rocky but it’s likely that these fears took control and inwardly you’re searching for comfort from an unconditional love, the love that gives you a sense of belonging and safety.
Sometimes couples encounter challenges that create rifts, and loneliness can develop. Couples can end up feeling as if they are two ships that pass in the night because the attentiveness in the relationship has gone; they can feel lost and disconnected. Even though there may be many friends, a person can still feel lonely; it’s not the quantity of our relationships we have that counts, rather the quality. If a couple are not connecting emotionally they can feel as though they are oceans apart and not where they need to be. When you think about your parents, I feel you miss their authentic parental love that heals, protects, allays fears, reassures and encourages. It’s possible that subconsciously this is the quality of love you’re seeking within your marriage.
You’ve chosen a new life, and it is inevitable you’ll miss your family. You were part of a wider group but now it’s only the two of you, and that can take some getting used to. Recognise that it’s your relationship that needs the most focus now, and if you’re able to reconnect in the way you hope, you’ll be able to enjoy your new adventure together.
■■If you would like Anne-marie to help you through this column, email her on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com with your issue ■■Anne-marie can be contacted on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com or 07951 933028 for a counselling appointment. Therapy sessions are held online via Zoom or Skype. Anne-marie is a fully qualified counsellor and member of the BACP (MBACP)