Dear annemarie...
Anne-marie Lear is an experienced counsellor who has helped many people overcome struggles including mental health issues, bereavement, isolation and relationship problems. Here she offers guidance on a range of readers’ issues
MY father’s been diagnosed with a terminal illness; he and I have been incredibly close over the years, we’re devastated. He was diagnosed four months ago and has little time left. My emotions are all over the place, I’m being offered much support but I’m aware I’m pushing everyone away. I don’t know what I want; I just know I’m hurting. When I go to the hospital I come away tearful because I haven’t got out of the visit what I wanted. My father and I always used to talk so much, spending much time together. We had so much in common and growing up I was around him all the time. I’m heartbroken and frustrated. There’s so much distraction at the hospital, too much noise, people going about their business like life’s normal when it’s not for me. I visit with my mother and brother and no-one is really saying anything to dad, when I know he can hear us. I think we should be talking to him more as we’ve so little time left. My brother’s more practical in his approach to the whole thing, and I feel I’m holding it all together emotionally for the sake of my mother. Does this make sense? Can you help please? Nicola
NICOLA, this makes complete sense to me, I’d like to help you understand where I feel you are at present. Your grieving process has already begun, it starts here and it will follow through to the end of your dad’s life. It’s easy to think that grieving starts when a loved one passes away but that’s not true, this is your time now to prepare, and this time can actually be used in a beautiful way to calmly prepare him and yourselves for his passing. It’s emotionally draining to be at the hospital and, as you watch everyone going about their business, it’s easy to feel it is you alone who are suffering.
You’re witnessing the deterioration of your father’s health while others are oblivious to your emotions and impending loss. Despite having family and friends around you, the grieving process can be a lonely place, and sometimes it feels as if there’s no room for anyone else, as the grief becomes all encompassing. Please remember the relationship you had with your father, it was one of regular conversation; and he loved your company. You describe the differences in nature between you and your brother, and it’s important to recognise we’re not all cut from the same cloth, so while he deals with his grief in his way, why not consider what feels right for you in this situation?
As well as supporting your mother and brother on visits, have you considered visiting him alone where you can spend some personal time together without distraction? Being alone with him may provide an opportunity to reflect on your relationship, share memories and stories and find some comfort in your impending separation. Take time to consider what you want to discuss to ensure you get the most out of your time together and ensure you are not left with future regrets.
This is your opportunity to give him all the love that I feel you are holding entirely for him at this present moment. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
■■If you would like Anne-marie to help you through this column, email her on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com with your issue ■■Anne-marie can be contacted on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com or 07951 933028 for a counselling appointment. Therapy sessions are held online via Zoom or Skype. Anne-marie is a fully qualified counsellor and member of the BACP (MBACP)