Dear annemarie...

Anne-marie Lear is an experienced counsellor who has helped many people overcome struggles including mental health issues, bereavement, isolation and relationship problems. Here she offers guidance on a range of readers’ issues

MY parents split when I was six and my sister was four, my mother remarried when I was 12. We were uncomfortable around our stepfather, spending much of our time in our rooms, avoiding mealtimes by saying we weren’t hungry. My sister left home at 17 to work for a travel company. We didn’t see much of her for four years, but one day she returned, albeit different. Something happened but we were never able to find out what. She was withdrawn and had no money. I bought her new clothes and she lived with me for a year, not disclosing anything. She then met a lovely guy and now has a four-yearold little boy, I’ve noticed his behaviour’s challenging, but she avoids the issue. I worry there might be a mental health problem. I’m frightened to say anything as I don’t want any conflict. Can you suggest anything please? Emilia

THERE are so many issues I can discuss here, and many levels that can be explored, I’ll try to cover as much as I can for this column. When I picture your childhood I see the ‘lost children’. I see how you both used avoidance and denial as a defence mechanism to self protect. It feels like your mother was emotionally unavailable to you, so instead you learnt to self protect by removing yourselves from the situation and closing yourselves off, avoiding mealtimes with your parents as a way to escape anxieties. We don’t know what challenges your sister encountered while away from home but it seems she may have used denial as a coping mechanism in the short term, thus closing off hurtful, negative experiences. Repressing negative experiences or refusing to acknowledge a hurtful or unpleasant memory can be a process someone may use to deflect emotional conflict.

We can deny all sorts of truths that challenge us, eg illness, addiction, hostility, personality traits and disorders, relationship issues, mental health issues, career or life choices, the list is endless. It becomes a bigger problem if allowed to fester or adversely impact our life or the life of others. In extreme cases it can become a truly harmful and destructive force, and denial of concerns around mental health issues poses a risk. In the long term this can present suicidal risks in later life. Consideration should be given to your sister’s own childhood experiences, as this may have influenced the way she parents her son.

Her experiences of an avoidant parental relationship may have impacted on her maternal relationship with him, it’s possible he finds it difficult to communicate, reach out and be close to her, resulting in him learning to act out and communicate by using challenging behaviour as a way to get himself noticed. We all want to love our children unconditionally, but good parenting is not about ignoring issues, rather learning how to help and guide in a loving and nurturing way. Try to encourage your sister to deal with the issues you see by inviting discussions around how you can help. Perhaps offer to spend some time with your nephew to provide a break and enable you to develop your own relationship with him, and hopefully bring him a better quality of life.

■■If you would like Anne-marie to help you through this column, email her on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com with your issue ■■Anne-marie can be contacted on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com or 07951 933028 for a counselling appointment. Therapy sessions are held online via Zoom or Skype. Anne-marie is a fully qualified counsellor and member of the BACP (MBACP)