Dear annemarie...
Anne-marie Lear is an experienced counsellor who has helped many people overcome struggles including mental health issues, bereavement, isolation and relationship problems. Here she offers guidance on a range of readers’ issues
I’M experiencing a complex, nightmare situation. I went through years of emotional abuse. It transpired my ex-husband was living a shady life while we were married but through manipulation and cleverly covering his tracks he made it difficult for me to pinpoint exact reasons to leave. I’ve a young child and we were financially dependent on him so couldn’t leave, even though I longed to escape. My mother and I have always been close, but I didn’t share this nightmare with her. As the situation worsened the truth came out and she brought me home to live with her. I’ve now left him and I’m happy to stay here with mum for a while. Through her, I met a lovely guy and we’re in a platonic relationship, he too has experienced past relationship problems, he’s understanding and supportive. He’s a completely different kettle of fish to my ex, and long-term I see us together, but I’m increasingly anxious because of a disturbing, recurring dream that lowers my mood. I’m fleeing with my favourite childhood toy and losing it on the way. I wake crying and, stupidly, it affects my whole day; I don’t know how to stop it. I’ve tried exercising regularly, but nothing works. Can you suggest anything? Meinir
WHEN we experience trauma and anxieties, our subconscious mind can hold the fear within and, cleverly, allow it to resurface at a time when it feels it may get your attention to address unresolved issues. It’s possible this dream symbolises a fear of losing the maternal comfort and solace you’re now experiencing with your mother. This maternal warmth has brought you a security that you needed and missed for years.
It’s also worth considering that you’ve found a new relationship and this can bring with it conflicting thoughts, perhaps of excitement and anticipation, but also fear of commitment, as memories of your past relationship were troubled. Troubled memories can instil self-doubt, bringing a possible fear of loss or uncertainty. I sense that the dream is also indicative of the prolonged anxiety and insecurity you have experienced. I feel we need to change this pattern and I’d suggest that when you next experience this dream I’d encourage you to get up and take yourself into another room where you can relax. Then, when you’re ready to focus, consider replaying the dream in your mind but change the ending. So for instance, when you get to the part where you lose the toy, visualise finding it, picking it up and then imagine holding the toy close to you. Imagine looking at it and loving it, and placing it somewhere secure. Keep repeating this visualisation as it helps to retrain your mind.
I’d also encourage you to focus on your new relationship. We’re seeing a beautiful friendship emerging and developing, so I’d encourage you do something similar here. Consider this too as if you are changing the pattern for a better future, one centred on a relationship of love, support and a deep connection. Imagine that these key values are solidified, and are unbreakable bonds, leading you to a place of peace, love and solidarity.