Dear annemarie...

Anne-marie Lear is an experienced counsellor who has helped many people overcome struggles including mental health issues, bereavement, isolation and relationship problems. Here she offers guidance on a range of readers’ issues

MY FIRST marriage failed after 15 years, he was a bully and after heavy nights of drinking and womanising he would leave me alone for long periods of time with our child. I ended the marriage much to the disappointment of my family. I come from a culture that has little tolerance of broken marriages, once the marriage was over many of my family cut ties with me. I had to move on alone. A few years later I met a friend and we travelled together on some exciting trips. I always thought something could have become of us, but I never knew where I stood with him, we just circled around each other, and I was aware that he was having dates with others. The nagging doubts took over, I lost confidence and felt I had to let it go instead of talking it through with him. Instead, I threw myself into my career and had a brief romance which ended badly, I’m not sure I was ready to move on independently even though I am a confident person. Now the company I work for has recently been taken over and I don’t feel the same. I’ve little motivation and I’d love to take a year’s secondment abroad, but it would mean leaving this company and starting again in another. I’m confused about what to do or where I’m heading. I’m stuck in a place inside my head where I don’t know who I am or where I’m meant to be.

Name and address supplied

VERY often people end up feeling stuck in a rut because of a fear of failure, and every single one of us, no matter how confident we’ve been in the past, is not immune to changing life situations that can take the wind out of our sails.

Sometimes we need to accept that we’re at a point in our lives where we need new direction, but firstly we need to understand “self” in all its entirety.

We need to acknowledge our weaknesses and vulnerabilities as well as our strengths and capabilities. In the past you entered a marriage with all the hopes that most couples have, for a long union with a family of your own.

Sadly, your experiences in this marriage brought trauma, something you were unable to overcome and instead of receiving support you experienced a judgmental attitude.

This is a negative experience that is hard to come back from and one that I believe has knocked your confidence. In times of trouble and sadness we need to feel heard and understood.

The fear we face at times like this can be closely connected with shame and leaves us with a sense that we are always to blame. Subconsciously we change the way we think and stay within our comfort zone to avoid the chance of further failure.

Remember we won’t always be able to avoid feelings of emptiness, regret, confusion or sadness – these are part of life’s experiences – but instead focus on the positives.

You’ve been able to pick yourself up when crushed before, you’ve faced hostility and judgment, were rejected by those closest to you but carried on.

Focus on your future with a renewed sense of hope, knowing that your successes have far outweighed your failures.

There are many great opportunities ahead for a bright future if you can believe in yourself.

■■If you would like Anne-marie to help you through this column, email her on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com with your issue

■■Anne-marie can be contacted on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com or 07951 933028 for a counselling appointment. Therapy sessions are held online via Zoom or Skype. Anne-marie is a fully qualified counsellor and member of the BACP (MBACP)