Dear annemarie...

Anne-marie Lear is an experienced counsellor who has helped many people overcome struggles including mental health issues, bereavement, isolation and relationship problems. Here she offers guidance on a range of readers’ issues

I’VE gone through a bitter separation, for financial reasons we’re not yet divorced. I foolishly didn’t keep a check on the business decisions my controlling husband made, and I and others were mis-led. After the business folded many said they suspected something was wrong but said nothing. I’ve custody of our child and while my ex-husband has moved on with a new girlfriend and home, I’m left with the financial problems that require me to work long hours. Last year I had a relationship that added much trauma. I recognised I was experiencing frequent bouts of low mood, so made the effort to join the dating scene. I wasn’t looking for a physical relationship, just friendship, thinking it would do me good to get away from thoughts of my ex. The guy I met seemed genuine, I confided much in him, he encouraged me to start thinking of myself. We saw each other regularly, then he asked me to take a break with him and leave my son behind, I wasn’t comfortable with it but agreed to do so. While away I found out that he had other girlfriends. I felt a fool. I feel I’ve lost the ability to work out who’s genuine and who’s not and am struggling to move forward.

Name and address supplied. Very often when someone has gone through much heartache, they haven’t really recognised how vulnerable they’ve become. You were wrestling with much emotional turmoil in addition to external noise from disgruntled colleagues, friends and family. Your need for loyal companionship would have been great, a confidante who had your back, but it would be naïve to think that we can live in this world while completely escaping the evil that surrounds us.

Daily we’re subjected to misinformation, confusion, insincerity and wickedness. Our emotions are unpredictable and influenced by many factors. We may experience a heightened sense of stress and anxiety as we battle life’s challenges, and we may become easily influenced by others. I believe we can only make sensible, informed decisions when we’re emotionally stable, but we can become wiser by learning the art of discernment, and we can do so as we learn through life’s experiences, complexities, adversities and suffering.

I feel it’s important to recognise that we can’t shut ourselves away from the world to avoid the bad things that can happen to us, but we can actively seek to learn the lessons from failure and feelings of being let down. We must actively seek to learn these lessons that have been provided, this requires on our part critical thinking, and a desire to self-protect. Very often it’s fear that stops us from questioning the nagging doubts that sit in the pit of our stomach, we need to understand and be willing to listen to our gut instinct, if it feels wrong then it probably is. We need to give ourselves time and patience to allow relationships to develop naturally and carefully, and to pause and question when in doubt. When we become more confident in doing so, we are developing intellectual maturity, which brings with it a greater sense of safety and inner peace. So, learn not to beat yourself up too much about not immediately seeing through this person, many wouldn’t have, and take strength in the fact that you have quickly resolved the situation and taken yourself back to a place of safety with the capability to move on.

■■If you would like Anne-marie to help you through this column, email her on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com with your issue

■■Anne-marie can be contacted on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com or 07951 933028 for a counselling appointment. Therapy sessions are held online via Zoom or Skype. Anne-marie is a fully qualified counsellor and member of the BACP (MBACP)