Guide to surviving the festive break ...without splitting
Divorce coach SARA DAVISON examines why so many partnerships fail to make it into the New Year
IT’S A SAD and, to many people, surprising fact that the Christmas holidays always trigger a sharp rise in break-ups and divorce. So much so that the Monday of the first working week in January is nicknamed Divorce Day as family law firms receive so many inquiries. In January my coaching clinic is always busy with clients who have decided to leave their relationships over the festive season. One, Judith, told me it had been her worst Christmas yet as her husband had treated the holiday as a chance to do nothing.
“He sat in front of the TV and if the kids came near him he would tell them to come and ask me. I did all the cooking, cleaning and washing up. The only thing he did was eat, drink and relax!”
After a few days of asking nicely for him to help out she knew it was over for her when he moaned: “This is my holiday, why can’t you just leave me alone?” So she decided she would and filed for divorce.
There are also those clients asking the million dollar question: “Should I stay or should I go?” One client, Caroline, loved her home and knew they would not be able to stay there if they divorced – there was just not enough money. She put it off for years but had decided the New Year was a good time to start afresh and make the break.
Another shocking truth is that I have new clients booked in to see me who already know they are leaving but want to get through Christmas first before they tell their partners. But they have coaching sessions in the diary as a support structure to help them get started as soon as the festivities are over.
So what is behind this peak? Why are so many people breaking up as soon as the festive period ends, a time traditionally known for being together with family?
If you have a solid relationship, don’t worry! Spending quality time with the family in the holidays can make it even stronger. However if the foundations of the relationship are rocky then spending more time together can increase the pressure and the cracks will start to show.
Over the holiday we are no longer distracted by the usual routine of work and school runs, so we have more time to focus on the relationship. This means more scrutiny as couples spend more time together.
The old jokes about the in-laws can become all too true after a few drinks and living under one roof. Tensions can mount if you don’t get along well or have to walk on eggshells around each other’s family.
Couples often have different expectations of the Christmas holidays, just like Judith and her husband. If one sees it as a chance to put their feet up as they are not at work and the other is left to entertain the children or cook for everyone it can cause arguments.
Financial pressures can escalate as
pressure to provide the latest gift for the children and feed the extended family can be high. This may inevitably cause arguments and tension for couples. And on top of all that it’s the season for parties and drinking, and if your relationship is already on the rocks it can sadly be a trigger for infidelity.
All these festive pressures can reach a peak – what I call a switch-flicking moment – when something tips the balance and you decide you just can’t do this any more. Enough is enough and you want out. This is the case for many couples and why the breakup rate peaks in New Year. But even if
Keep the love alive. Be affectionate with your partner. Arrange quality “alone time” over the holidays where you spend time together doing the things you love.
Don’t take things too seriously. Keep perspective. Remember you can defuse an argument before it happens by reacting with love. Giving a hug or saying you love them can ease the tension if you do it sincerely.
Mark and his wife had been having a tough time but they had agreed to stick it out for the children. It was on Christmas Day that Mark realised it had all gone too far.
His daughter, nine, gave him a smiley emoji pillow she had bought with her own money. “This is for you, Daddy, as you are always so sad,” she told him. He realised that his sadness was affecting the children in a way he hadn’t expected. He came to see me and we came up with a plan for him and his wife to revamp their marriage. They are happily together today.
The key to relationships is communication. Remember that you will both have different methods of communicating. Sticking your head in the sand isn’t the way to deal with issues and it’s always best sort them early.
Yet it’s never too late to start communicating. Be kind, respectful and empathetic and you will find that your relationship can overcome many obstacles.
But sometimes a break-up is on the cards and maybe it isn’t your choice. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though. There is no point staying in an unhappy marriage. Break-up can be a positive experience as it really does give you a chance to redesign your life. It is also true that good things fall apart so better things can come together.
‘Giving a hug can defuse the tension if you do it sincerely’
Sara Davison (saradavison.com) is an authority on break-up and divorce. Her book The Split – 30 days From Break-up To Breakthrough is published on January 7.