When TV crosses the line into cliche

BEFORE Line Of Duty kicked off last Sunday evening the continuity announcer was positively squeaking with excitement. I wish they wouldn’t go on so. Just tell us what’s coming next – if you must – and we’ll be the judge of how thrilling it is.

To be honest I didn’t follow what was going on plotwise. But we were introduced to Kelly Macdonald as the cop who’s clearly got a backstory, may be thoroughly corrupt and has 27 locks on her front door. What’s more, we’re all now on first-name terms with a CHIS (Covert Human Intelligence Source), who used to be called an informer, a snitch or a grass.

But for all its painstaking attention to the detail of Kevlar-vested modern policing and its affection for baffling acronyms, Line Of Duty still clings to those conventions of TV drama which find characters doing things which are NDIRL (Never Done In Real Life). For instance:

● Packing a suitcase in a strop. DCI Joanne Davidson (Kelly Macdonald) walks out on her lesbian lover and in the time-honoured fashion of dramatic break-up scenes throws handfuls of clothes haphazardly into a

suitcase… leaving the coat hangers in! Madness. In Real Life (RL) even people in a tearing rage would spend some time deciding between the navy blue jumper and the red one, would put shoes in individual plastic bags to stuff in the corners, and count out enough pairs of knickers to last a week. ● Throwing a wine glass across the room. It is a rule that any highachieving female detective will return home to her sterile, lonely – yet glamorous – flat and pour herself a pint of white wine (which is always open and in the fridge) which she will knock back as she contemplates the desolate abyss which is her life. So far so plausible. DCI Davidson, above, then worked

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THE OUTSIDE of the house is being painted and titivated.we’ve had to wait nearly a year for our builders, who have been working flat out during the plague year. I like having other people around again, requiring coffees and teas at regular intervals. The sounds of sanding and scraping are everywhere and in any room, upstairs or down, there is likely to be a face at the window.what is the etiquette on such occasions?wave cheerily or tactfully avoid eye contact at all times? herself into a right old state and hurled her glass across the room when she caught sight of a photograph of herself in happier times. NDIRL guys!

After a long day talking in acronyms and conducting dodgy surveillance ops, who would want the bother of mopping up spilt Sauvignon and sweeping up glass? In RL the DCI would simply pour herself another glass, kick off her shoes, unhook her bra without removing any clothes and watch Line Of Duty on the telly.

● Two people arrange to get together for drinks or coffee and 30 seconds later one of them leaves with no acknowledgement from either party that this is slightly odd behaviour. DS Steve Arnott (Martin Compston) met a female colleague to moan about work and she was on her feet and out the door before he’d even blown the foam from his cappuccino. In RL there’d at least be some desultory preamble about the weather and holiday plans before he started angling for a new job and she asked him for a date.

I’ll be on the lookout for other egregious examples of NDIRL tonight. TTFN.