The 10 rules to follow are:
1: Agree what you are talking for. 2: Accept that agreement takes skill and effort. 3: Remember most people are good, competent and worthy of respect. 4: Talk fast and slow.
5: Keep the conversation safe. 6: Use resilience.
7: Use rigour. 8: Use complexity. 9: Listen. 10: Reach out. Now you know these, try my quiz…
There is housework, home-schooling and your own work-from-home job to do. You need help but past requests have not been heeded. What do you say to your partner?
A) “It’s not just about the housework and homework. It’s about fairness and respect. When you help me with the small things I know you care about the big things.”
B) “The dog brought in a river of mud, I’ve a tsunami of work, the child’s academic hopes are on life support and you’re doing nothing. I’m going to erupt like a volcano.”
C) Things get heated. You say, “I am sure we can sort it out, it’s not the end of the world. I didn’t mean to upset you.” You end up doing the housework. D) “I earn 30 per cent more than you do, so you can do 30 per cent more around the house and watch 30 per cent less Netflix.”
B) You sing a gender-appropriate version of, “If you were the only girl in the world and I were the only boy… nothing else would matter in the world today, nothing would mar our joy.”
C) You try to avoid the question, but eventually your partner forces you to say, “Your bum does not look big in this.”
D) “The outfit is flattering, but the scales don’t lie.” budget cut. How are you going to respond? A) “Everything depends on this project. This cut is absolute nonsense. You are always doing this. It’s about me, isn’t it?”
B) “Times are tough, but dropping this project would be like taking the Mona Lisa out of the Louvre. This is no time to fly the white flag. Sometimes, you have to have your cake and eat it.”
C) You believe in this project. But you can see the pressure your boss is under. You realise from the tone in your boss’s voice that it is better to let this one slide.
D) “Our market research shows that projects of this kind succeed
70 per cent of the time and when they do the return on investment is 240 per cent. It’s probably a good idea to keep going.”
C) “This is complex and I’m under pressure. Can I take some time to listen and reflect?”
D) “Let’s take a poll. Like a mini-referendum. Whatever the majority think, let’s do that.”
Escalators raise the emotional stakes because they think the conversation is always about them, a big deal or long-lasting. Escalators need to stay on topic and remember that the person they are talking to is probably well-intentioned (see Rules 1 and 2). Public figure: Piers Morgan
Storytellers tend to describe the world in metaphors. They say this is like that. Storytellers use emotions and simple, vivid images. They prioritise plausible-sounding explanations over logic, precision and evidence. Storytellers mistake correlation for causation and assume “everything happens for a reason”. Storytellers should use more rigour and complexity (Rules 7 and 8).
Public figure: Boris Johnson
Conversations become unsafe and emotional when someone in the conversation feels their needs, competence, integrity or identity are being questioned. Safety-firsters keep the conversation safe by putting the other person first. Conversations do need to be safe (Rule 5) but they also have to be effective. Rule 6 (use resilience) helps us to get better at staying calm and standing our ground when things get tough.
Public figure (in a good way): Jacinda Ardern
Analysers are good at using rigour and its components – precision, accuracy, evidence and logic (Rule 7). They see many sides to a story. They talk fast (spontanously and creatively) and slow (precisely and logically). Most conversations call for rigour alongside respect and compassion. Analysis should not be a game of Top Trumps, where my fact beats your fact and I force you to take my point of view. It should be a cooperative exercise where we work together to discover facts and apply logic to reach a shared conclusion. Public figure: British epidemiologist Neil Ferguson at least we can still be close and this won’t last forever.”
“The R-rate is 0.9 and the alert level is still high. We have to stay one metre apart.”