Agony aunt By Jane O’gorman and Dr Rosemary Leonard

Our agony aunt gets to the heart of your relationship problems

My daughter contrives to control my every move. She gets jealous if I dare to announce that I’m visiting a friend or going on holiday. She’s always been something of a panicker and a drama queen, but now that she’s married with two children (aged three and six), she’s even worse. Literally, minutes before I’m due to walk out of my front door, I get a call – one of the children is ill, can I drop everything and go over immediately? Or the boiler has exploded and I need to drive to the other side of town to pick up a part.

I accept that busy families experience ups and downs, but it’s curious that hers always seem to coincide with me attempting to do something of my own.

She and my partner of seven years clash at every turn – so much so, that I don’t allow them to be in the same room together. He storms that he can see her for what she is, which is a selfish, entitled diva.

I’m particularly upset at the moment because I was hoping to visit a friend for her 70th birthday party in October. I mentioned it to my daughter and she snapped that it clashes with half-term. She’ll need me to housesit their dog because they’re hoping to visit Cornwall. Apparently I should “know this stuff”.

I get it that she’s had a difficult time during lockdown and that it’s disappointing that they had to cancel their trip to Ibiza, but why is nothing I plan ever acceptable or allowed?

She’s my flesh and blood and I love her, but I have to admit that she’s far from perfect and I have a sneaking suspicion that she deliberately orchestrates certain emergencies in order to keep me at her beck and call.

I suspect your daughter is a under a lot of strain and relies on you for physical and emotional support, but you’re by no means her possession. Of course you love her and your grandchildren, but she has to hear that you need your own space. If she flies into a panic at the thought of you not being around, then reassure her that some time out is good for all of you. Familiarity can breed contempt and you and she are now independent, adult women in a challenging world.

She may feel she’s entitled to control you, but you have your own mental health, personal relationships and independence to consider. Tell your partner that you intend to speak to her face to face when the time is right. Explain that you will talk to her about respect, boundaries and balance. He has to hear that you’re serious about establishing your own identity – and doing more fun things with him – or he’ll lose faith.

If your daughter has always been used to getting her own way, this has to be a fresh start for

you all. Of course you will always help out in a real emergency, but these knee-jerk cries for help every time you attempt to leave town have to stop because they’re exhausting and unfair.

There’s no getting away from the fact that you will have to be stronger and, yes, a little more selfish in future. But there’s absolutely nothing wrong with putting yourself first occasionally. What about her in-laws? Can’t they be more involved?

Contact Jane at S Magazine, Second Floor, Northern & Shell Building, 10 Lower Thames Street, London EC3R 6EN or email jane. ogorman@express.co.uk. Jane regrets that she cannot reply personally to your letters.