Okay, Theresa May and Andrea Leadsom are both women but, far more importantly, they are both utterly unspeakable. If the Tories want a more caring, sharing leader, they should Vote Vader

Another awful week: the Chilcot report telling us what everyone has known for 13 years, Wales out of Euro 2016 and the ongoing fiasco of British politics.

The Tory leadership contest is increasingly resembling the invariable Mexican stand-off at the end of a Quentin Tarantino film.

You know the kind of thing: everyone pointing a gun at each other, someone pulls the trigger and, within seconds, there’s a load of dead bodies on the floor in a cloud of gun smoke.

Two weeks ago, when Cameron resigned, the frontrunners were Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt. Hunt quickly ruled himself out with the “now is not the right time” line.

Very possibly he just realised there would never be a right time for someone group of people standing outside a collapsing building, wondering who is going to rescue a child inside. I thought, ‘ Well, I don’t think I’ve got either the strength or the speed for this.’ But, as I looked around, I thought, ‘God, I’m at least as strong and at least as fast as the others – I’ve got to try to save the child.’”

I ’ m not sure if the UK is the collapsing building in this scenario or the screaming child but the thing that Leave mastermind Gove neglected to mention was that he was the one who set fire to the bloody building in the first place.

It was all going swimmingly for Gove until the sticky matter of the first Tory MPs’ vote on the new leader. He got something like two votes – one of those from himself and the other probably a mistake by some 90-year-old backbencher who thought he was voting to bring back flogging.

And so it was goodbye to Gove, leaving two people in the race: Theresa May and Andrea Leadsom. Much is being made of the fact that both are women but I think it’s helpful if we leave that aside for a moment and focus on the more compelling fact that both of them are unspeakable.

May is arguably the more palatable of the two as she’s simply a terrible human being, someone who is “not keen” on gay marriage and would like to bring back fox hunting.

Leadsom’s resume, however, reads like she’s auditioning for the part of Dark Lord of the Universe in a Hollywood blockbuster. As well as being (obviously) anti-gay marriage and pro-fox hunting, she is also anti-workers’ rights (having spoken out against maternity and sickness pay for small businesses), pro- Brexit, pro- huge bonuses for bankers and pro-climate change, in that she doesn’t really believe in it.

Leadsom has already been backed by Johnson who, fairly incredibly, described her as “kind”. This leads one to imagine that, in Johnson’s parlance, “kind” is Old Etonian slang meaning “a sub-human likely to stab you in the kidneys for 50p and a bag of chips”.

By this time next week, candidates for the leadership of the Conservative Party will probably include Darth Vader, Davros off the Daleks, Trevor Jordache from Brookside and the reanimated corpse of Enoch Powell.

I say Vote Vader. Unlike the current contenders, we know there is still some good inside him somewhere.