I believed I was doing the world a big favour by never having a child. But I was wrong. Now I know that cycle of violence can be broken
HIP HOP STAR AND CAMPAIGNER ON HOW BABY HELPED HIM GET OVER CHILDHOOD TRAUMA
As hip hop artist Loki lovingly holds his baby son in his arms, he can’t believe he once made a vow never to become a dad.
Loki – whose real name is Darren McGarvey – made national headlines last year after becoming Pol ice Scotland’s Violence Reduction Unit’s rapper in residence.
One of the things that attracted Loki to the role was the hope his work with the unit might help to prevent other children experiencing the type of childhood he had.
Loki’s mum was an alcoholic and was often violent towards him – once even holding a knife to his throat.
He says while one positive legacy of his chaotic upbringing was a desire to help others, one of many negative hangovers was a fear of becoming a parent.
He worried that he was genetical ly programmed to be a bad parent so should never have children.
But six months after he and partner Becci celebrated the birth of their first child, Loki is blown away by the unconditional love he has for his son Daniel.
He says the joy he has found in becoming a dad has made him even more determined to help other families break away from generation after generation of domestic abuse and aggression.
Loki, 32, who grew up in Pollok, Glasgow, said: “My mum came from a background of so much chaos that it’s not a surprise she turned out the way she did.
“I think when she became a mum, it activated a lot of her demons and she couldn’t handle the pressure of being responsible for someone else.
“I thought so little of my own DNA that I decided I would be doing the world a favour by never having a kid – that’s how low my self-esteem was. I always felt like I was a burden at home.
“But now I’ve become a dad, I can see how wrong I was to look at parenthood and having a child that way.
“It’s love that propels you into parenthood – and it’s love that helps you manage all the things you have to do as a new mum or dad. It can be tough but it is so wonderful too.
“You don’t have to behave the way your parents did and, just because you’ve grown up in a violent home, it doesn’t mean it is OK to behave the same way.
“Becoming a dad has made me even more focused on doing what I can do to help reduce violent behaviour.”
Loki’s mum died aged 36 of cirrhosis of the liver. He was 17 at the time and ended up becoming homeless.
Despite his hatred of his mum’s drinking, he too became an alcoholic and addict.
He is now a reformed character – attending support groups regularly – and says his own experience of extreme poverty and the more gritty side of life makes the anti-violence message he promotes painfully authentic.
Loki said: “I’m not looking for sympathy when I tell my story. I only tell it because I know it would have helped me when I was younger to hear someone like me saying, ‘This happened and that happened but you can get through it and rise above it’.
“I don’t want to create the impression that I grew up on the set of Trainspotting – and not everything that happened was abusive or traumatic. But there wasn’t a lot of nurturing going on.
“My mum came from a violent background. She was a heavy drinker, an alcoholic, and she was violent at times.
“Growing up, I never knew what was going to happen next, what her mood would be, when the next explosive outburst would come.
“Once, when I was only about five, she pulled a knife on me and held it to my throat because I didn’t want to go to bed.
“Mostly she would threaten violence or even make me get into violent altercations with others.
“If I came home from school crying because I’d been fighting, she would see the tears as a sign of shame that I had been battered.
“She would drag me round to the house of the person I had been fighting and make me
You can’t let your past define you. I’ll be the best dad I can be
fight them again in the street. It was so toxic. I would batter someone because I was scared I’d get a beating from my own mum if I didn’t.
“The mental scars it left, the anxiety… you can’t just shake them off easily.
“Over the years I became knowledgeable about how certain things can run in families – addiction, abuse, violence. But I also know that cycle can be broken and you can’t use your background as some sort of excuse.”
Loki’s 12-month placement with Police Scotland, which ended two months ago, saw him do everything from visit community and support groups to schools and prisons.
As part of his work, he wrote a powerful rap, Gaslight, which gives a voice to the thoughts of a domestic abuser as he anxiously waits for his girlfriend to return home – getting more angry as every minute passes.
Working alongside former Simple Minds keyboard player Mick MacNeil and director Andrew MacKenzie, he has just launched a video to accompany the rap.
In just two weeks, it has received more than 20,000 views on YouTube, thanks in part to author JK Rowling tweeting it out to her eight million followers.
Loki hopes the film will be the perfect platform for abusers to absorb the message he hopes it gives.
He said: “I wanted to produce something that would speak to as broad an audience as possible but also appeal to the men who commit this kind of violence.
“I learned from going into prisons that you can’t preach to violent men about domestic violence in a group setting. They need to be allowed to think about these things in a private space, where talking about their feelings or opening up about what they have done won’t be seen as a weakness.
“I wanted to show empathy without the perpetrators in any way thinking they are the victims, which is a common delusion they have that we need to smash.
“Low self-esteem is at the root of so much violent behaviour. But you can’t let your past define you. My childhood was chaotic but it isn’t going to stop me being the best parent I can be.
“I hope this video serves as an intervention to other men and makes them look at their behaviour, do some soul searching and get the help they need to change the way they act.”