I voted Remain.. and Brexit means I get a huge pay rise. But I’m not celebrating and I don’t have Nigel Farage’s photograph in a nice frame. Why? Well, I’m not a greedy, small-minded, self-interested little Tory cretin for starters

Like most families, we have a few shorthand phrases we use between ourselves.

Little things that wouldn’t mean much to anyone else.

There are “SDAs”: Small Dai ly Annoyances. These cover everything from being given a cup of tea in that mug you don’t really like to going to turn a certain lamp on and remembering it’s the one with the blown lightbulb you’ve been meaning to change for ages.

Then there’s “Chag”, a conf lation of the words “Charlotte” and “lag”: this is the painful time differential between me standing up and being ready to leave a place and Charlotte doing the same, having first gathered her purse, bag, coat, sunglasses, umbrella etc.

There is also “self-pumping”. This is when you inflict unnecessary pain and inconvenience upon yourself through a totally avoidable act. It could be something as simple as locking yourself out of the house or ordering what is clearly the worst dish on the menu. (For those old enough north- east of England, enjoy all the new control. I did not self-pump. I voted to Remain. An unfortunate side-effect of being on the losing side for me has been a massive pay rise. As a writer of books and films, a large percentage of my income comes from Europe and America. A couple of years back, when the pound was strong, a payment of, say, $10,000 equalled about £6000. Today, post-Brexit, that $10,000 is worth just over £8000. Or take the Euro. In 2015, a payment of € 10,000 was worth about £ 7000. Today, it’s worth roughly £ 8700. That’s a pay rise of somewhere between 25 and 35 per cent. I should be happy, right? I should be dancing around the streets dressed head to foot in the Union Jack and singing the words “I Love Brexit, Brexit Is King” at the top of my lungs, shouldn’t I? I should have a framed picture of Nigel Farage on my desk. I’m not and I don’t. Do you know why? This may come as a shock to some of you: I’m not a greedy, small-minded, self-interested little Tory cretin who only loves money. And like voting Tory, for the vast majority of the public, voting for Brexit was literally turkeys voting for Christmas.