It’s like being crouched down in an air raid shelter during the war – starving, with your terrified children, as bombs blow your homes to pieces up above – and knowing that nearly half of the people in there had voted for the Blitz
making him exacexactly zero years old during World War II. What is it with BrBrexiteers using World War II as the gold standard for our national na resilience? “WWe survived the BlitzBlitz,” they say. “We ccan survive leaving leavi the EU.” Well,Wel maybe. But imagine being crouched down in that air raid shelter during the Blitz – starving, with your terrified children huddling beside you as great explosions blow your homes to pieces up above – and knowing that nearly half of the people in the shelter had VOTED FOR THE BLITZ. The picture becomes less rosy, doesn’t it?
Now I understand that, reading this, some of you out there will be shouting: “No! I voted Leave – but I didn’t vote to leave with no deal. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want the Blitz.” And I understand. You have my sympathies. You made a terrible mistake because you believed a bunch of lies told to you by chancers. I feel sorry for you and I want to help you.
That’s why I’m tabling The Niven Amendment. Very simply put, this states that, in the event of terrible shortages caused by a No Deal Brexit, there would be three queues for the food and medicine supplies…
In first class, the priority lane, would be those who voted Remain: They would get first pick of choice items like meat, cheese and penicillin.
In queue two, second class, we’d find the poor souls mentioned above – those who voted Leave but did not want to leave without a deal. These folk are free to help themselves to goodies like homegrown British turnips and aspirin.
Then we have queue three, super-economy. Steerage. Behold them – the hardcore Brexiteers. The ones who wanted, who begged for No Deal. The ones who said we all needed to lose some weight and, anyway, we survived World War II, didn’t we? Here you’ll see them – gnawing on bones and using pieces of wood as asthma inhalers.
I also have plans for a fourth queue. Well, this isn’t a queue so much as a demented rabble. I have to confess – it’s an idea I took from Stalin’s gulags…
In the gulags, there was a particular sub-species of prisoner known in Russian as dokhodyagas or “goners”. These were the most wretched of the wretched in the camps, people who had so completely given up on life that they would be found rummaging through the garbage heaps and latrines for rancid bits of meat and fish skeletons to chew on, even though eating this stuff meant almost certain death from dysentery. It was said that no amount of beating from the guards could drive some goners from their behaviour.
It is in this queue – or rabble – that we find them: Arron Banks, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage, Michael Gove, David Cameron and so on. The men who, out of a lurid combination of greed, vanity and ambition, lured everyone else to the camp.
Behold them – their bared teeth stained with excrement, growling and kicking at each other as they fight to the death over a rotting lump of horseflesh.
Finally, some justice.