Capped for my country 35 times, played in a World Cup and faced the All Blacks.. but I was in a dressing room in tears. Sometimes, you have to accept you need help
Graeme Morrison had a stellar career as one of Scotland’s most successful rugby players but in truth, for some of this time, he was overwhelmed by depression.
After games in front of 80,000 cheering fans, Graeme would sometimes be the last player in the changing room, sitting with a towel covering his head, sobbing.
None of his teammates knew how to deal with him and, at his darkest point, he wondered what it would be like to take his own life.
He said: “I tell people I was capped for my country 35 times, played in a World Cup and faced the All Blacks but, really, I hated parts of that whole period.”
Speaking candidly for the first time publicly about the darkest period of his life, Graeme, 37, says it’s time for people to be honest about their mental health.
Since the recent death of TV presenter Caroline Flack, more people have opened up about their own struggles.
Graeme said: “It shouldn’t be the case that something like that happens before people will discuss mental health.
“When I was going through my darkest times and playing sport, there was a prehistoric attitude towards mental health.
“I was embarrassed, thinking, ‘I’ m supposed to be this tough guy – why am I crying in the changing room right now when we’ve just won a game?’
“But you can’t control the chemicals in your brain. Sometimes you have to accept that you need help.
“I wish I’d been able to get proper help quicker because I know what it’s like to be at the lowest of the low and to think you could kill yourself.”
Graeme was born in Hong Kong – his Scottish grandfather was head of the police force in the former British colony – and he attended boarding school at Dol lar Academy in Clackmannanshire at the age of 10, where he began playing rugby.
His talents were obvious and, by the time he left school, he was part of the Scotland under-21 squad, then later signed by Sean Lineen to join the Glasgow Warriors where, until this season, he was the most capped Warrior of all time.
Graeme was forced to retire seven years ago on medical grounds. Not, ironically, because of depression but due to knee problems.
He has since qualified as a chartered accountant.
He said the real world can be disappointing for retiring sports people.
Graeme added: “You miss the team, that brotherhood, but also the structure and regime. I think that’s why a lot of players fall into a hole. But my hole, I guess, came during my career.”
He admits he was highly strung, with a tendency towards OCD and perfectionism, whether on the pitch