My poor son’s death made me realise that even our heroes need help too sometimes.
We can’t let anyone suffer in silence
One of Scotland’s most senior firefighters has bravely spoken about the tragic death of his 11- year- old son to encourage his colleagues to speak out and seek support for their own mental health.
Deputy assistant chief officer John Miller’s eldest child Ross passed away in October 2003 after contracting a virus that attacked his brain and robbed him of the ability to move or communicate.
The heartbroken dad of two reveals he could not bring himself to talk to anyone about his devastating loss and ended up in such a dark place that he attempted to take his own life.
John, who lives in Motherwell, says it wasn’t until 2017 – 14 years after his son’s death – that he plucked up the courage to conf ide in his work colleagues about his depression and get the help he so desperately needed.
Determined to help others who may be suffering in silence like he did, John helped create the Scottish Fire and Rescue Service’s first formal Mental Health Strategy.
The plan, which has been praised by Prince William, will not only encourage those in need to reach out and seek support but will ensure staff are trained and equipped to spot the signs of depression and PTSD in colleagues and secure assistance for them.
John, 52, who is married to Anne, 54, and is dad to Andrew, 26, said: “Losing Ross had a devastating effect on myself and my family. He was a lovely little boy, always smiling and so kind-hearted. We were all heartbroken and we all grieved differently.
“My way of dealing with it was throwing myself into my work and deliberately pretending it had not happened. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about Ross or even look at his photo, whereas Anne talked about him all the time to keep his memory alive.
“I didn’t know it but I had really bad depression and eventually I ended up in such a dark place that I attempted to take my own life. Even after hitting rock bottom, I carried on without speaking about how I felt to anyone.
“It wasn’t until three years ago when I felt myself going back down that dark route again that I opened up, f irst to my wife, then to my friends and then to my col leagues, who were fantastic and got me the help I needed.”
John, who oversees 127 stations and 2500 personnel in the West of Scotland region, added: “The Scottish Fire Service has always been really good at supporting their staff once physical or mental health difficulties have come to light.
“But due to my own experiences with mental health, I realised there was nothing formal in place to help staff spot the signs and get their colleagues help before they ended up in a dark place and that’s when I came up with the idea for the strategy. Due
Fire service boss opens up about tragedy in bid to help others who are struggling
to my rank, I have a voice and, as uncomfortable as it is for me to talk about losing Ross, it will show others that it is OK not to be OK and to ask for help. If our new mental health pledge catches just one person before they fall, it will be worth it.”
Ross was just 10 when he took ill on March 31, 2002. On April 1, he was admitted to Wishaw General, where he fell into a coma. He was then transferred to Edinburgh Sick Kids, where he was diagnosed with Acute Disseminated Encephalomyel itis (ADEM), where a virus causes antibodies to attack the connectors in the brain.
John said: “We were your typical happy, loving family with two healthy boys who did taekwondo and played football. Then out of nowhere Ross took ill and our lives changed forever.
“After three months in intensive care, he was taken off life support and we discovered he had something similar to locked-in syndrome – he could not move, he could not communicate, but he was in there.
“Ross could not leave hospital because his needs were so great but after a year we made the decision to bring him home and turned our downstairs into a hospital room with oxygen machines and tilt tables. We had people coming into our house every day and night to give him support. During that time we never gave up hope but we never got any signs he was going to come out of it.
“Ross was prone to chest infections and he was in and out of hospital. He got a bad chest infection that turned into pneumonia and then into sepsis and this killed him.”
John added: “He passed away in hospital with us all by his side. The consultant asked was it OK to turn off his life support. No parent should ever have to go through that.
“Ross passed away on October 29, 2003 – two days before his 12th birthday and 19 months after he had first taken ill. We buried him a week later in Pittenweem, Fife.
“For the first year, I deliberately tried to pretend it had not happened. I never visited his grave, I never spoke about him. I threw myself into my work. That was my escape. It was the wrong thing to do as I wasn’t allowingg myselfy to grieve. I felt I needed to be strong for everyone else but, as time went on, my mood startedted to go down and eventually I tried to take my own life. I survived,rvived, my mood improved andnd I got on with life again butt I was far from alright.”
However, the next time John started too feel himself slipping he spoke to Anne, who made him an appointmentent with his GP. He was given medication tion and encouraged ged to speak to his work, which he did – and they got him help.
John, whose younger son Andrew is a serving firefighter, said: “They were fantastic and sent me for 16 weeks of counselling. Within a couple of months, I went from not being able to talk to anybodyyy and goinggg down into a dark place to being able to opopen up.
“I real ised lots of other people must be in the same position as me anda might not know help is available. I wanted to makema things more accessibleaccessib not just for serving mmembers and staf f but for ex-ex- membermembe s who sometimes struggle after they leave the service.service
“We came up with the s t r a teg y, whichw has the full support of our chief officer Martin Blunden and which we all hope will create a stigma-free environment where people can open up to others confidentially and get support.”
John has also been working with Lifelines Scotland, a charity set up to help emergency service workers enjoy positive mental health. Last month he talked via Skype to Prince William, who gave the strategy the royal seal of approval.
The plan was also endorsed by Safer Communities Minister Ash Denham, who said: “I am very pleased to see this commitment from the SFRS, which clearly sets out how they intend to support their staff in active prevention work, while also providing support and appropriate treatment at times of need.”
John said: “It’s great to have the full support of everyone from the chief to the Scottish Government and even the future king. This shows how important mental health is to everybody.”
I realised that lots of other people must be in the same position as me