Fun police are gunning for our moments of joy
The centre-forward was a tad on the chubby side but had a first touch like an angel whispering in your ear and a left peg so cultured it could recite Hamlet backwards.
This guy also tried to keep up with David Beckham’s latest haircut and wore coloured boots before they were socially acceptable.
The textbook pub team striker had it right down to their goal celebrations.
He’d do the Robot, the Ravanelli – you name it. But the celebrations came to a halt when he did the Klinsmann right off the side of the pitch – and ended up with dug s*** all over the front of his shirt.
You live and learn. It was all good fun, of course, and there’s nothing better then seeing your team celebrate a crucial goal.
At least it was. Covid has now whipped that away as well. At this rate we’re going to have to attach poles to the back of players and use them like fussball mannequins on the pitch.
There’s to be no more hugging or high fives after goals now. No more players piling in to share in a moment of sheer joy. They all need to celebrate on their own, maybe blow air kisses at each other.
We’ve got politicians piling in with their tuppence worth when they should be concentrating on other things, I don’t know, like getting us out of this coronavirus mess.
Last week it was Julian Knight, apparently the chair of the digital, culture, media and sport committee, who sounds like he’s tumbled off a Tory Posh Boy production line.
Talking about the Premier League celebrations he said: “Some of the scenes we have seen have been brainless and give out an awful message.”
Yeah mate, your lot would know about sending out the wrong messages. Your boss has been doing it for a year.
But the EPL has been warned to cut it out and it’s happening up here now as well.
Micky Mellon even felt he had to apologise for daring to hug Lawrence Shankland after he scored from the halfway line.
There’s folk with knickers in a twist saying they can’t hug their granny so why should players be hugging each other.
Listen, I watched Anthony Joshua uppercut some dude on the telly the other week but I don’t feel like I’m missing out on lobbing a haymaker at my old man.
He’d only lob one back, for starters.
Sport is different. These guys are tested and the chances of passing the virus on during games are minute.
Celebrations are part of the game – and a big part according to the boffins.
A Harvard Study – goodness knows how they got away with this one – worked out that teams who did big wacky celebrations were likely to be 50 per cent more successful than those that didn’t.
Mind you, successful teams score more goals, so it might be a simple explanation here.
It creates bonds, harbours team spirit and it’s also blooming natural.
It doesn’t matter if it’s in the Nou Camp or the five-a-sides, sticking the ball in the net awakens a joy that’s hard to contain.
People have already had to be reprogrammed to get through this pandemic.
Football is meant to be our escape but the fun police are now on to it.
Perhaps a shirt covered in dog dirt is the answer – social distancing would be a choice rather than a requirement.
At the Nou Camp or the fives – scoring awakens a joy that’s hard to contain