Fellow Tories.. my name is Boris. It’s time I told the truth for a change – Britain is a failed state. And I’ve got a confession to make about Brexit..
Things have got so bad that I’ve taken to writing Tory fan fiction. Well, not exactly “fan” fiction, but you’ll get the idea. It helps me sleep at night. Or at least calms me down for a few minutes. It might help you too.
For instance, try this speech I wrote for Boris Johnson this week, the one he should have delivered at the Tory party conference. I was imagining that our Prime Minister had suffered a Jerry Maguire-style nervous breakdown and had finally, somehow, grown a conscience that compelled him, for once in his miserable life, to tell the truth...
My fellow Britons, it is finally time to be frank with you. I am not an honest man by nature, so this will be difficult for me to say and difficult for many of you to hear. The UK is in the middle of the worst supply chain crisis it has seen in 50 years. There is chaos and fighting on the forecourts of our petrol stations as fuel runs out.
Supermarket shelves are going empty and our fishing and farming industries are in ruins. Food is rotting unharvested in our fields and animals are being needlessly slaughtered and burned. From America to Italy, we have become an international laughing stock. A failed state.
It is time, finally, to face the facts. This is all largely because of Brexit.
As you know, I campaigned for Brexit. I must now confess that I did so only for the purpose of damaging David Cameron and positioning myself as a future leader of the Conservative party. I never for one moment imagined we could win. It seemed utterly unthinkable that the British public would vote for such a colossal act of self-harm.
Experts from every industry (apart from my old friend Tim who runs Wetherspoons, whose business is now too in ruins) told you it was an incredibly stupid idea. Foolishly, I believed you would listen to them. You didn’t.
You listened to me and
Nigel Farage. You had indeed “had enough of experts” and voted for Brexit.
As we can see now
– the results have been catastrophic. So, I have no option but to now take a very difficult course.
Britain will be rejoining the EU on whatever membership terms they offer us. We will go back to Brussels with our Great British Knees bended and beg them to let us back in. There will be no referendum this time because, well, you saw what happened the last time. The situation is so critical, and the issues involved so complex, that we cannot possibly allow another public vote. We lied to you so successfully the last time, we cannot risk doing it again.
To those of you out there, my devout supporters, who are still saying “leave Boris alone” and “he’s doing his best” and “he didn’t want to be lumbered with all of this”, I thank you for your loyalty. But, with
a heavy heart, I must tell you are wrong: I did my very best to be lumbered with all of this. You need to give it up now. I am responsible for everything.
It was me who campaigned for Brexit, knowing it was totally unworkable. It was me who bumbled and fumbled our coronavirus response. It was me who offered nothing but platitudes, lies and quotes from Homer as everything went wrong.
I must now admit what many of my detractors have been saying for years – I am a disgraceful human being who is not fit for high office. Or indeed, any office. So, with a heavy heart I must tell you that once we have rejoined the EU I will resign as Prime Minister effective immediately. I will then take the only honourable way out left for someone who has betrayed their country so egregiously and purely for personal gain.
I will see you all in the next life. Well, those of you who are going to hell that it. Hahaha, just my little joke there folks.
Normally at this point I would add something irrelevant in slightly wrong Latin. But look where that’s got us. I think you’ve probably all had enough of that nonsense now. It only remains for me to say goodbye.
And good luck.