They’re a complete horror show.. get them in there
It’s that time of year... the excitement builds for weeks, the anticipation stirs your festive heart and lifts your winter doldrums.
And, in the end, parts of it will be great, some of it will be disappointing and you’ll come away thinking that you never want to spend time with those losers ever again.
No, not family Christmas dinner. It’s I’m a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here, which is back on our screens tonight.
Confession time: I’m a fan, a total sucker for Ant ’n’ Dec’s cheeky asides while Z-listers are cruelly humiliated in the name of light entertainment (the poor souls only want to pay off their tax bills).
Best not to analyse the mindset of the British viewing public p who punish the weakest celeb cele without mercy and delight delig in the tears and barneys. Best just enjoy the result of our collective colle wickedness.
If only we could use the tactics tact about to be employed at Gwrych Gw Castle in north Wales to punish other prominent figures fig who don’t give a flying
kangaroo ka testicle about the
British public, despite happily taking our dosh.
Those bushtucker trials from last year could be very effective in bringing the wayward to heel. Wicked? Nah… wonderful.
SICKENING STALLS
EastEnders actors Shane Richie and Jessica Plummer gagged and retched their way through the worst trial of the series, downing drinks made from blended goat penis, fermented herring and vomit fruit. A trial that makes you want to puke? Perfect… let’s get those 50 Tory MPs who’ve been moonlighting as paid consultants and show them what it’s like to be sick to the stomach. Those raking in a total of £1.7million from their “second jobs” are already feeling queasy now BoJo says they should lose their lucrative side deals, deals they only got because we gave them the privilege of elected office. Joining them for the vomit-fest would be the 11 MPs, peers and advisers who stuck their pals on a “VIP list” to win multi-million-pound PPE contracts. Beyond sickening. They’ve made us feel like we’ve necked 10 litres of blended goat penis. How apt they get their turn.
VIPER VAULT
Radio One DJ Jordan North was left sobbing last year after being locked in a box with dozens of snakes. In you pop, Douglas Ross, Scottish Tory leader. Let him spend some time with his slippery friends. Snakes have small brains so maybe they’ll believe MP Dougie when he tells them it
was simply an oversight when he forgot to declare £28,000 in earnings for his work as a football referee and – lest we also forget – as an MSP.
More likely that even the snakes will tell him to hiss off because his wriggling is pathetic. Ross may then be less keen to speak with forked tongue in future.
BAR-BARIC
This involved female contestants being chained to a bar while stinking offal and fish guts were dumped on their heads. Definitely one for our Home Secretary, Priti Patel. The woman is so quick to hurl muck at those weaker than she while she tries to shore up her own shoogly position. Last week she was chucking insults at lawyers and churches in the wake of the suicide bombing of a Liverpool maternity hospital, shamefully trying to capitalise on an atrocity to deflect blame for the dismal and dysfunctional asylum system she has created. Her policies already smell worse than rancid tripe.
CHAMBERS OF HORROR
Who can forget Richie and AJ Pritchard shrieking in fear with their heads stuck in boxes full of rats and maggots? Prince Andrew’s used to hanging around with disgusting creatures but he won’t enjoy the public spectacle. He likes his interactions strictly on the QT. ITV has introduced a medieval jail called The Clink, which might be the place for the Duke of York. Listen carefully for hidden mics picking up Andy offering survival tips to a cockroach.