MEAL DEALS ARE A BIT RISH

Oi, Johnny Foreign er...

It’s the 80th anniversary of the beginning of the Battle of Britain this week.

This was when, as characters like Nigel Farage like to point out, Britain stood alone, defeating evil without any help from foreigners.

It’s true that 145 of the pilots in the battle were Polish. But that just proves what the Poles are like, coming over here nicking our pilots’ jobs.

Others were from countries such as Czechoslovakia, Ireland and Jamaica. Typical. Bloody foreigners coming here for an easy life, they should go and fly their own Spitfires. I expect we had to take them as part of an EU ruling.

That’s the trouble with Churchill, he was too soft.

I know it wasn’t the only new measure Chancellor Rishi Sunak introduced, but given the scale of the economic collapse because of the virus, it was genius to respond to it by offering a meal deal (valid Monday to Wednesday).

Every day we beat new records for the numbers put out of work, but on the other hand you can get a half-price pizza on a Tuesday.

Managers might call a meeting to announce: “I’m afraid the plant’s shutting down this afternoon and you’re all unemployed. Many of you will have to become male strippers in a valiant effort to make ends meet. But cheer up, I’ve got a

‘TREATS’ Mr Sunak coupon from the Government that gives us two salsa dips for the price of one on a Wednesday.”

If it gets as bad as it was in the 1930s, with millions of people walking round barefoot, maybe he’ll extend the scheme and give us a bottle of Fanta on a Thursday.

For centuries, governments puzzled how to get out of economic collapse. And all along the answer was a few coupons. If a country’s manufacturing base shuts down, give everyone a leaflet that says “never mind crisis, there’s 4p off choc ices (Monday to Wednesday only)” and we’ll be living like kings.