Tell ye what Boris, the joke really is on you...

It’s a game of oooooh ahh halves BEZT HAVE A REZT NOW, EH, JEFF?

Boris Johnson has told some marvellous jokes recently. Firstly, Keir Starmer asked if Johnson had a message for people whose relatives had suffered from coronavirus – and he replied that Starmer had “more briefs than Calvin Klein”.

It’s not only hilarious, but I’m sure it comforted grieving relatives.

Then he responded to Starmer’s questions about the delayed report on Russian interference with our elections, by saying Starmer had “more flip-flops than Bournemouth beach”.

Another glorious joke and one that certainly puts all our minds at ease about Vladimir Putin.

So here are some others he can try, about himself.

If he’s asked how much protective equipment his government provided for medical staff during the pandemic, he can say “We gave them less protection than a chemist’s at the Vatican”.

If he’s asked what happened to the track and tracing he promised would “lead the world”, he can say “It’s had more failed dates than the history of Tinder”.

He can tell us “Dominic Cummings has more implausible stories than Hollyoaks” and “his eyesight needs more checks than a chess tournament”.

He can say “I consumed more coke than Sheffield steelworks” and I have “more kids I’ve forgotten about than an amnesiac goat herder”.

Everyone seems to agree he’s a great speaker, witty and able to communicate clearly in a language we all understand.

For example, there was the inspiring speech he gave to the West Yorkshire Police that began: “Everyone’s learning

The marvellous way the capitalist system works, is it rewards hard work. This is why the head of Amazon, Jeff Bezos, has just earned $13billion in one day.

He must have grafted himself to exhaustion, because it takes the entire British economy three days to earn that much.

So the whole country, all the bus drivers and

Bezos saw stock value rocket

GAGMEISTER Masked Johnson

the caution, you know the caution, you know what you have to say, you do not have to say anything.

“Is that right? Anything you but if you fail to mention something, which you later, hang on, is that right?”

KINDNESS

What is so reassuring about a speech like that is we’re all thinking it, but he’s the only one capable of putting it into words. It’s also a measure of his kindness that when he speaks he also give us a free puzzle, in which we have to try to put the words into an order that makes an actual sentence.

Sometimes he explains ideas with even more clarity by throwing in a chunk of Latin, and some think “that means he MUST be clever”.

We should extend this to everyone. If someone working class says “I tell you what, right, here, listen, you know that wotnot, well ipso facto modus operandi I tell you that for nuffink”, we should all teachers and people in nail bars and car showrooms, all the florists, jugglers, pizza leaflet delivery people, porn actors, Holly Willoughby, drug dealers, the bloke who cleans the windows on the Shard, the lads who spin the Waltzer at fairgrounds, the annoying idiot who shouts “we buy any car” on that say “what a splendid educated fellow he must be”. But for some reason, it’s when someone’s posh we think they must be clever. If a 19-year-old from a council estate in Glasgow was asked for his thoughts on Russian interference in our democracy, and said “Ah tell ye what pal, ye’ve got meer flipflops than Bournemouth beach”, it’s possible not so many people would think

“he’s so intelligent we should make him Prime Minister”.

So Boris Johnson should finish off his next speech with

“My government has more detached Etonian inhuman bumbling idiots who can’t even concoct a decent alibi than one of

Epstein’s guest lists”.

STUMP ‘N’ THUMP... Ben can hit me any time advert, tarot card readers, people who knock on your door offering strange services such as “do you need your chimney converted into a paddling pool, mate?”, Olly Murs, lion tamers and all the people who work in Amazon packing and delivering, including those who were told if they didn’t come to work during the lockdown they’d be sacked, Jeff did the same amount of work as all of them and absolutely everyone in Britain did for three days.

None of us would begrudge him a day off.

he cricket series between England and the West Indies has been magnificent and Ben Stokes has again proved he’s one of the finest people in the world. In my view, on one day a year, he should be allowed to legally punch whoever he likes. And if he chose me, it would be an honour.

IN HIS PRIME