Sunday Mirror (Northern Ireland)
By jingo! How Labour should take on Tories
Parish clerk Weaver is a knockout Oh do give us a break FISHING INDUSTRY GOES BANANAS
Millions this week watched a clip of a parish council Zoom meeting in which officer Jackie Weaver – called in to act as clerk – sat firm as councillors screamed “read the standing orders and understand them” and
“you have no authority”.
They did it with such hilarious rage – if they acted like that in EastEnders, the director would say: “Can you do it less angry please.”
TV channels must buy the rights to Handforth parish council meetings in Cheshire immediately.
Each session should start with a boxing announcer calling: “In the red cornerrrrr, the undisputed, five-times-elected queen of mowing schedules for council-owned grass verges, from the parish she’ll never let perish, as outstanding as her orders are standing, the winning hand of Handforth, Jaaackieee Weaaaverrr.”
The word staycation is now used by the middle classes for someone who lives in Britain and has a holiday in Britain. That isn’t a staycation. That’s a holiday in Britain.
But they squeal: “We didn’t go away at all this year, we simply went to Cornwall and stayed in one of our cottages and employed some local peasants to entertain us with sea shanties, while they filled out forms to export a fish. It was simple but adorable and SO much better for the environment.”
In general, you can tell who loves the country the most as they’re the ones who shout “I LOVE MY COUNTRY ” the most, even while they’re drinking cider in Trafalgar Square and being sick on Nelson’s Column.
People who love their country are the ones who scream “WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING A POPPY?” and won’t accept excuses such as “I’m in bed and it’s Christmas Day”.
Katie Hopkins wrote: “I called one of my children Poppy so I’ll remember. Will you?” And that’s a good point, which is why I’ve got two kids and called them Trench and Mustard Gas.
And businessmen who fund the Conservative people love the country, which is why they place billions of pounds into bank accounts in Panama. It’s not to avoid tax to fund the country they love, it’s to keep their money warm, because they can’t stand the thought of the Queen’s head getting chilly.
Now the Labour Party has decided to copy them. A Labour document has revealed the way for Labour to win voters back is to be more patriotic, and “Make more use of the Union Jack”. That should do it.
Keir Starmer can be filmed in a crowd of Millwall fans, waving a Union Jack, screaming: “I wouldn’t have Jurgen Klopp down here, not after the Germans bombed my granny.” Then we’ll hear: “That was a party political broadcast on behalf of the Labour Party.”
All candidates should travel by Spitfire and knock on doors with three lions on their chest. That doesn’t mean stitched on a shirt, but actual lions they’ve borrowed from Whipsnade Zoo strapped to their bare chest. That way their proposals for a tax system that boosts jobs can’t be seen as anti-British, especially if one of the lions mauls them as they’re handing out a leaflet.
Then Keir can announce: “To promote the country’s economy, it will be compulsory for every house to have at least one statue of Winston Churchill.
“And at schools, instead of English being full of effeminate subjects such as poetry, children will be taught to memorise the commentary of David Beckham’s winning free kick against Greece. And in French, the only phrase children will be
The British fishing industry is furious because it can’t export its fish.
Since Brexit, each lorry of fish must now go through seven stages of extra bureaucracy before heading to Europe. And each lorry must be accompanied with seven extra pages of forms.
This theme should continue until each individual fish must have a seven-page description written in seven different languages, then be placed in seven ice cubes by seven sisters of seven Eskimos.
For 40 years we were told by anti-EU campaigners that the main reason to leave was the red tape.
Now I realise Nigel Farage was actually yelling: “The EU makes every company fill out three documents taught is: “Nous avons tous les vaccins, ha ha ha.” *
So from now on, Labour and the Conservatives will fight to see who loves Britain the most by having the most Union
Jacks.
The Tories will ban all colours that aren’t red, white or blue, and Priti
Patel will explain this in a speech, saying:
“Yellow is basically foreign, it should stay where it belongs on Van
Gogh paintings, so if we see it we will deport it.”
And Labour will respond by moving its head office to the top of
Nelson’s
Column, because that should win back all the voters who deserted the party in Mansfield in
2019.
*French for “We’re getting jabbed before you, ha ha ha”. before sending a lorry to France. That’s not NEARLY enough. “We demand nothing can get past Kent without 250 customs checks and three regiments of the army needed to fill out the online application.”
Certain newspapers made up a story that the EU said our bananas couldn’t be bendy.
But now each banana will have to be studied by 15 officials who each have to write a short story about it, and paint it with oils and teach it to swim.
So by the time it gets here it will be a pile of black mush, but at least it will be bendy, which is all we ever wanted.
Kylie Minogue has been in the news for announcing she isn’t marrying her boyfriend. How unfair that some people are considered newsworthy for not getting married. I announced I wasn’t marrying Rihanna, and no one took any notice. Then I announced I’m not marrying the Queen or newsreader Huw Edwards, and there was no interest whatsoever. No wonder the country’s in such a state.