Let Holmes Secretary probe the No10 party

The Prime Minister is trying his best – he’s set up an investigation! This will take a while, because it must be really difficult to investigate whether there was a huge party in your own house.

I often have to investigate whether there’s been a party in my own house that I had no idea about.

Then I think, “Maybe that explains the bin full of empty bottles.” I assumed a spider had brought them in.

And when I heard drum and bass booming out from the kitchen, I automatically thought the foxes had learned to use a keyboard.

It would make a brilliant Sherlock Holmes story. He’d puff on his pipe, musing: “There are no clues whatsoever as to whether there was a party, apart from that the party is on film, and the whole country has seen footage of the government spokesperson practising how to deny there was a party. This is our trickiest case yet, Watson.”

Johnson also has the valid excuse that it’s awkward for him to find out who organised the party, when he was adamant the party never happened.

So he’s saying: “I am determined to discover who was at the party that didn’t exist, after I banned gatherings the day after I insisted there would be no ban on gatherings.” This is handy, because once he’s sacked as Prime Minister he can get a job as a professor of philosophy.

It seems one of the parties held by government staff in a government building took place on the exact day the government announced there must on

no account be any parties anywhere in the country. But to be fair, cancelling a country’s parties is exhausting work, so it’s no wonder that afterwards they all needed to wind down by having a bloody great party.

HARPOON

One problem Johnson has, which we should feel sympathy for, is he can’t help lying and cheating. It’s an illness.

If it was announced that one of the new Covid rules was you must on no account harpoon a hamster in the bath, you know that by the morning he’d be at Pets at Home buying 100 hamsters and breaking into the British Museum for a box of harpoons.

His next trick will be the “distraction” technique he boasts about.

Maybe he’ll appoint a cactus as

Foreign Secretary, or ask Jacob ReesMogg to announce he’s transitioning.

In a year’s time he’ll be gone, and many of those who made him Prime Minister will pretend they were nothing to do with him. He might copy Donald Trump and get his supporters to invade Downing Street, but only so he can retrieve the wallpaper he got someone else to pay £800 a roll for.

And if Johnson is asked about the way he behaved as Prime Minister, he’ll say: “I never was Prime Minister. I need to investigate whether I was Prime Minister, but what the British people want is for me to get on with the job of making millions of pounds from having been Prime Minister.”

COPPING FLAK Is that a party hat, Boris?