Sunday Mirror (Northern Ireland)
Blame a woman’s legs for your lack of brains
AConservative MP is outraged that Labour’s deputy leader Angela Rayner CROSSES HER LEGS in front of Boris Johnson. It’s to put him off, he says, because of his superior debating skills.
This must be why he keeps making mistakes. During lockdown he was busy at his desk, then suddenly Angela Rayner ran into his office distracting him in a short skirt, and whoops, suddenly he forgot the rules and invited everyone in for a party that he got confused with a workplace meeting.
Then he was just about to organise a magnificent track and trace system, when up popped Angela unbuttoning a blouse, and poor Boris wasted £44billion on a useless system instead.
I expect the MP who made the complaint will say: “As this Angela woman was brought up on a council estate, she could come to the House of Commons in pyjamas. I’m told that’s what people wear in those places when they go to the Co-op for their Pot Noodles. Then her legs would be hidden, so that we men with our superior minds can concentrate on matters of a higher nature, such as the porn that we’re watching.”
The MP caught watching porn in the House of Commons is the modern Conservative Party. He’ll explain himself by saying: “I’m sick of this ‘woke’ nonsense that says we shouldn’t watch porn while we’re debating the inflation rate in parliament. That’s why, as part of my campaign to stand up for common sense, I’m going to wave my todger in a circle all afternoon during the Queen’s
Speech.” If that doesn’t work, he’ll say: “I was told it wasn’t a porn film, it was a workplace meeting. And in any case the porn film only lasted for nine minutes.”
To be fair to Boris Johnson, he does seem to be easily distracted.
I expect his reports back from a G8 summit go: “It started with President Biden welcoming us all. Then there was something about the world economy, but I’m afraid I missed all that as I was looking at his wife. Sorry.”
Despite this, he has ‘superior debating skills’. For example, there was the speech to business leaders that went: “Ah, I’ve lost my notes. Forgive me. Forgive me. And yesterday we all went, as we all must, to er, to er, er, to Peppa Pig World.”
Angela Rayner can’t compete with that, so she crosses her legs instead.
Because the Prime Minister is a magnificent debater, as long as he’s in his own world of the Oxford Debating Union.
There he can make those speeches that go: “My lords, ladies and gentlemen, permit me to begin by asserting that it was the great scholar Brontosaurus who was said to have remarked to his adversary Stegosaurus that ipso facto, modus operandi,
Ibuprofen carbon dioxide.”
Then everyone claps at how wonderfully clever he is.
Many people now ask what we can do about all this. But the first step is down to the Scottish Nationalists.
Next week, they must all turn up to the House of Commons wearing kilts with nothing on underneath – and then cross their legs at the same time right in front of him.