Our girl is 18 and wants to live with a real waster
SUNDAY MIRROR
QMy daughter wants to leave home to live with a young man who is bad news. She’s only 18 and still in sixth form. I worry she’ll stop going to school just to stay at home and look after this waster.
He’s unemployed, scruffy and is a parent’s worst nightmare. But she won’t listen to me or her father. What can I do to get her to see sense? I’m so scared she’s going to give up school and waste her future. Anne says: It’s almost impossible to argue with a young person who is in love, no matter how unsuitable you think the relationship might be.
But there are ways you can bargain for time, so you can at least be satisfied she completes her A-levels – and perhaps give the relationship a chance to either mature or burn out.
If he’s jobless and she’s in education, what will they do for money? How will she get enough support to get herself off to school with clean clothes and a full stomach, then quiet time in the evenings to do studies? Talk over with her how important it is to complete her education – and that you have the “right” to support her until she does. Then perhaps you could promise that if she still wants to move in with him, you will (albeit reluctantly) help her get a job and become independent.
I think it is important to subtly stress that if she moves out, she is financially responsible for herseIf. You can’t support her from afar.
I know you don’t like him much, but is there a chance you could ask to meet and discuss things – preferably with your daughter, too?
Then you could appeal to his better sense and point out that, while in education, she should live with you.
If she moves out and gives up school, she becomes totally responsible for herself – you have no legal obligation to support her at all.
Most important thing you can do is show you love her, want the best for her and, whatever she decides, she’ll always be welcome home. If she left on bad terms, pride might stop her returning. Bargaining is your best tactic. Ultimately we can’t stop our kids (especially once legal adults) from doing something stupid. But the more reasonable you appear, the more she might be tempted to leave things a while.
Older teenagers love to flaunt their “near adulthood” with cries of “I’m leaving!” Most never carry out the threat.
Ask her to talk things over with a school counsellor or even with ChildLine.
They’ll explain her rights (and responsibilities) and they might also talk about the pros and cons of living with a partner at such a young age – and the concerns about pregnancy and STIs. It might well help her to clear her mind.
Buy some time by pointing out the pitfalls, but above all be reasonable and show her that you love her