Children divided by dad’s new life

QMy parents divorced last year and my dad has remarried. He wants us children (three of us in our 20s) to come round to family dinners, Sunday lunches, parties with his new wife, like we used to do with our mum.

Meanwhile our mother is on her own, still feeling devastated and lonely and we don’t know whether we should tell her that we’re seeing dad.

My sisters and I are divided about where our loyalties lie.

I feel I’m totally betraying my mum if I embrace dad’s new wife – but I love him too. Anne says: This just shows how divorce doesn’t only affect young children. It impacts on adults too, probably in more subtle ways but it can be just as upsetting.

It sounds as though your father is rushing headlong into trying to build a feeling of family around his new wife.

While that is of course a good intention, it is possibly a little unrealistic and perhaps just a bit too fast. At least for you. Your sisters may feel differently but that doesn’t make your feelings either good or bad.

Take it one step at a time with your father’s invitations but, at the same time, make sure you spend plenty of time with your mother too. And if your mum is so depressed that she doesn’t feel able to arrange family gatherings, then how about you arrange them for her? That way, she won’t be losing out.

Should you tell her that her children are visiting your father’s new home?

Yes – there’s absolutely no reason why you should keep her in the dark, or even lie to her about this. She is, after all, your parent – not your child. You cannot and should not shield her from the truth. But try not to make a big deal of it. Just drop it into the conversation, and then leave it there.

If your father is pushing you into lots of meetings – too many for you – then sit him down and tell him how pressured you feel, how you still love BOTH of your parents, and you don’t want to do anything that could hurt your mum’s feelings.

Again, he is your father – not your child. So don’t take all the burden of this very sensitive situation on yourself alone. They’re the ones that got divorced (even if one of them might have been more to blame than the other).

It feels gruelling now but time will heal and tensions will ease.

If your father is being pushy about meeting his new wife, tell him you don’t want to hurt your mum