Dad’s just died and my mum’s on the pull

QWhen is it too soon? My dad died just a few months ago, of cancer, and my mum is already dating. She’s 55, and she says she wants to marry again.

I find it really disrespectful and the rest of the family is really shocked to see her dressing up and going out on dates when our dad is hardly cold in the ground.

How do we tell her she’s hurting all of us?

You don’t. You let her live her life. You have no real idea what those last few years or months were like with her husband, your father, but just think, please, that it may have been very painful and she may long to be happy again.

In a way, it’s a giant compliment to your dad that she sees marriage as such a desirable, positive thing that she wants it again!

It is not disrespectful even though it does feel alarmingly soon to you. No-one mourns in the same way and, indeed, since your father was dying of cancer, she may have started her mourning a long time ago.

They may have mourned together. You just don’t know.

So please don’t judge her. Support her instead.

Going out on dates after a long marriage will be a very different and challenging experience for her and it’s going to be hard enough without her feeling that the family is against her. That’s not to say you cannot discuss your own feelings with her – just try to be patient, understanding and compassionate.

Tell her that you are hurting. She should know her actions are affecting others – but don’t be angry or tell her that she is wrong.

Are there older members of the family who could also offer support, sympathy and a friendly shoulder to lean on?

My worry is that, in the unpredictable world of dating, she could encounter problems as well as pleasures – and she should definitely have people in whom she can confide. That’s why it’s important you stay friends, but equally understand each other’s points of view.

Dating is going to be difficult enough for your mother without feeling that her family is against her