Help the dying by focusing on living
We all know that one day we face saying goodbye to someone we love. Yet nothing truly prepares you for when it happens.
Losing my father, mother-in-law and stepfather-in-law in just four years was certainly one of the hardest things I’ve faced. And it made me realise I knew nothing about the process of dying and the last stages of life. It was a very steep learning curve.
During the worst times, I came to realise that knowing more about the ways to support someone who is dying can reduce your own anxiety greatly. It can help you avoid difficulties that might lead to regret and a more complex grieving process.
Although difficult, understanding and talking about what’s going to happen – including medical care and final wishes – can actually enable you and your loved one to focus on living and enjoying whatever time you have left together.
My dad Gordon died within three months of falling ill. He was suffering from rapid dementia, so he and Mum required a lot of support in a short period. Thankfully, he died peacefully in hospital and we got to spend that last precious time with him.
My stepfather-in-law Ken had a recurrence of cancer and his health also deteriorated quickly. So our focus was on supporting my mother-in-law Freda – so she could support him. All too often the primary carer gets forgotten and can struggle with their sense of identity as all their time and energy are focused on the sick loved one. Not long after, my mother-in-law was herself diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. My husband and I helped provide care in her own home with the support of Macmillan and district nurses. She wanted to die at home and we were so glad we could help her have the death she wanted. Altogether, it was an exhausting time, but I noticed the more I knew about the possible choices at each stage, my stress lessened and I was more able to cope. Each relative’s illness and death was different. What they wanted and needed was unique to them and had to be experienced in its own right without making assumptions. Naturally, I still have a few regrets about what I did and didn’t do, but based on the knowledge I had at the time, I did my best to be there for all my relatives. I believe we need to embrace talking about death – as the more comfortable we feel, the more able we are to help each other. Never be afraid to ask a friend going through this how they are, or tell them you’re thinking of them. I do volunteer work to help those caring for a loved one and their grieving process is very important to me. Of course, being better equipped to deal with death doesn’t stop you feeling the terrible sense of loss and grief. I still feel my loss now. It’s been hard to watch my daughter Rachel, 20, pass through important life events without three of her grandparents. But I can share memories with her and keep them alive in that sense. Talking about death with someone who is dying is one of the hardest conversations you’ll have, but having done it will help make the process that bit more bearable for everyone. Like the saying goes: “Plan for worst, but hope for best – and you’ll probably end up with something in between.”
CAROLINE JONES Moments of Meaning: Living Life Whilst Facing Death’ by Jill Cox. Available through Amazon.co.uk as a paperback (£6.99) and as an eBook (£3.99).
Before they pass, talk with them about the great things that happened to them, ask them what their biggest achievements were, their favourite memories and funny stories. Write down that treasured family recipe. Then use these precious memories later as part of a funeral eulogy that really represents their life. A family member or friend who can accompany you to important medical appointments and take notes. This ensures important details aren’t lost in the midst of hearing difficult news. Everyone can be resistant to discuss death at first, but extracting this information while they’re still able to tell you can save a lot of angst. Questions to consider: Do they want a burial or cremation? Who do they want to have power of attorney if needed?
Have they made a will – where is it and any other important documents?
Do they have any feelings on being resuscitated if they go into cardiac arrest?
Would they prefer to pass away at home or in hospital?
What do they want to happen to their pets?
We need to talk about death... that way we can offer more help
Little daily details are important at the end of life and ensuring they still happen can make such a difference – whether it’s tea and gingernut biscuits at 11am or shaving each morning.
Caring for someone takes a toll. Do something life-affirming at least twice a week, be it watching a film, going for a walk or simply seeing a friend.