Beware abusers controlling you through money

‘Rows graduated to physical violence’

Beware domestic violence through money. There’s a hidden, little talked about form of domestic violence called financial abuse. It’s about dangerous, unfair control of someone’s finances.

It can be subtle or brutal. It’s important to be able to spot it, whether in your own relationships or that of a friend who may be going through it.

It happens when someone controls another adult’s access to their finances or ability to earn money, in order to reduce their independence and establish reliance, such as:

Forcing or coercing you to add them to your bank account

Pressuring you to take out debt for them in your name

Emotionally blackmailing you to pay their bills

The coming parliamentary Domestic Abuse Bill proposes to make financial abuse a form of domestic abuse.

BRAVE

However, even before it becomes law, financial abuse is prosecutable as a form of “coercive and controlling behaviour”, so if you feel scared or intimidated, report it to the police.

Nearly half of those who suffer domestic abuse also suffer financial abuse, according to Women’s Aid, yet the total number of people impacted is likely to be far higher.

Even when I started researching this, a month or so ago, a brave member of my MoneySavingExpert team admitted to me it had happened to her and wanted me to share her experience to help others.

She had found herself picking up the financial burdens of her alcoholic ex-boyfriend.

“He’d manipulate my emotions early on. He moved to live closer to me and used this as often as he could,” she said.

“He wasn’t paying off his credit cards, so I paid.

“He hadn’t paid his car insurance, and the car was seized. I paid traffic fines. I paid for food and bills.

“Every day he was drinking out and buying new clothes daily instead of doing laundry. I couldn’t explain to friends why I worked six days a week, couldn’t afford anything and was in thousands of pounds of debt.”

Then sadly, as is common, the abuse stopped being only financial.

“The arguments graduated to physical violence and we separated.”

Other victims don’t separate, they feel locked in. One woman I spoke to even needed substantial facial reconstruction after her ex-partner (who was imprisoned for it) attacked her over finances. Another

was forced to go without food and sleep if she refused to pay for things. Financial abuse can start with innocent requests for money, taking cash from your purse or wallet without asking, or even a caring suggestion that you stay at home to look after the children while they go out to work.

On its own these may be perfectly normal, kind and acceptable.

However, if a partner becomes aggressive, coercive or manipulative, whether physically or psychologically, to deprive you of your independence, these are red flags. If someone you love is doing this to you, it can be confusing and tough to recognise. If you suspect it’s happening to someone else, you’ll likely wrestle with whether to interfere or not. There are tell-tale signs:

No money to pay for bills and food.

No explanation for the lack of access to money.

Changes in living standards, like not having things they normally would, or not going out as they would before.

They don’t have debit or credit cards and can’t check their bank balance. They seem withdrawn and different.

For someone to talk to (whether for you, or about a friend) there are helplines to give emotional and practical support; don’t be scared to call.

A partnership by Women’s Aid and Refuge, there’s nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk on 0808 2000 247 (Eng), 0808 801 0800 (Wales), 0800 027 1234 (Scot), 0808 802 1414 (N Ireland).

Financial abuse doesn’t just affect women, there’s also mensadviceline. org.uk on 0808 801 0327 or in Northern Ireland mapni.co.uk 028 9024 1929.

For LGBT relationships galop.org.uk/domesticabuse on 0800 999 5428.

For abuse of the elderly (sometimes by carers) elderabuse.org.uk on 0808 808 8141.

For more resources there’s also survivingeconomicabuse.org.

For further information, including what to do if your partner is trying to push you into making a financial decision, or take out debt in your name, and your rights in a joint account, see my full mse.me/financialabuse guide

SIGNS