Protecting NHS staff? It’s a load of claptrap
If only Dom dragged on a bit more...
Dominic Raab is lively isn’t he? While the Prime Minister is away, he tries to reassure us with such passion, if he told us the virus was brought here by aliens who landed in his garden, we’d miss what he said as we drifted off.
So when this is over, I think he should make use of his flamboyant talents, and become a drag queen.
Lip-syncing to I Will Survive in a strapless top is what Dominic was made for.
We all agree we love our NHS staff. That’s why people across the UK show their appreciation every Thursday by clapping and hooting and whacking saucepans with spoons.
And the Government shows its appreciation by sending them sod-all equipment so instead of protecting themselves with boring items, they can have lots of fun making their own.
For example, the Mirror reported on the nurses forced to wear bin liners as there’s a shortage of aprons.
This is how to make the pandemic fun. At last our nurses are given a chance to wear something to get them noticed, instead of those dull white gowns, that may protect them, but wouldn’t catch the eye of a Paris fashion designer.
Someone should bring Blue Peter back to BBC1 to make a special coronavirus show for NHS staff.
One of the presenters can say: “Hi, today we’re going to make protective equipment for doctors out of cornflake packets, dandelion leaves and a pair of your dad’s old pants.”
Many medical staff say they have received no long-sleeved gowns, making them likely to catch the virus off patients.
But on the other hand, in this weather they’ll get a lovely tan for when they’re laid up for three weeks.
With the same spirit of muddling through, there were hardly any ventilators ready for this crisis.
Maybe doctors were expected to save money and give patients oxygen by blowing through the cardboard bit inside a toilet roll. But unfortunately they were all bought by stockpilers.
So now they’ll be appealing for folk bands to play in the ward, so anyone short of breath can put their mouth over the end of the accordion.
Many hospitals are running out of masks, so they’re also appealing to nail bars and hairdressers, to see if they have any. This is exciting news, and should be taken further.
Hairdressers could also offer their hair driers as extra ventilators so patients get a supply of extra oxygen and a blow-dry for their lungs too.
If this still doesn’t secure enough masks, the NHS could appeal to bank robbers and the IRA to lend them their old ones.
And one lucky nurse could get the butterfly mask used by Patsy
Palmer from EastEnders, on ITV’s The Masked Singer.
Not only that, but according to an Intensive Care doctor on the BBC: “The protection face masks we’re using at the moment have all been re-labelled with new best-before end dates.
“Yesterday I found one with three stickers on. The first said, expiry 2009. The second sticker, expiry 2013. And the third sticker on the very top said 2021.”
But I’m sure it doesn’t matter if a mask that’s supposed to save your life is 11 years out of date. Face masks are probably like wine – they get better with age.
Experienced nurses can sniff one and go: “Hmm, it’s got a lovely scent of Swine flu, I’d say it’s a 2009 vintage.”
So it’s not surprising so many of us make a noise for them every week.
But I expect by next Thursday, doctors will walk the streets saying: “Can you give me that saucepan and wooden spoon? I can try to make a ventilator out
of them.”