Essentially, its PC gone mad
I NEED BATCH OF THE DAY
It’s essential we look after our mental health in this situation.
So someone HAS to put on some sport.
Couldn’t we have an athletics event, in which the runners go one at a time? The 10,000 metres would last a fortnight but that’s all right.
Tyson Fury could defend his world heavyweight title in an empty ring. If it was in America this would be genuinely thrilling, as the judges would possibly rule it as a draw.
Roy Keane could make a comeback and play a football match on his own, and it would be even money whether he won or not, as he’d have to score before he was sent off.
Fencing must be possible as they already have a mask.
Couldn’t we televise a race between drivers delivering essential batches of medical supplies? A commentator could scream: “Perkins got there first, but was he a full six feet from the door when Mrs Armitage answered?” So it would go to VAR and it would be our most thrilling moment for a month.
Someone please think of something.
Cambridge police said this week they were checking that no one in supermarkets was in the “non-essential aisles”.
This should mean they have marvellous conversations with the Cambridge public. “Excuse me madam, are these Quavers essential?”
“They are officer, I suffer from Cheesy Curly Dependency Syndrome.”
“Then I will need to see your Crisp and Snack Exemption Certificate, madam.”
There are some posh parts of Cambridge, where there’s likely to be outrage. Customers will shriek: “But CONSTABLE, fresh essence of artichoke and sun-dried coriander IS essential in a nine-bean cassoulet.”