Badges and balloons don’t mean you care
When footie tough guys were Norm
It was deflating to hear of the passing of Norman Hunter, Leeds and England defender of the 1970s.
He symbolised one difference between football then and now, as his nickname was ‘Bites
Yer Legs’. As with Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris, this was a compliment.
Commentators would merrily say: “There goes Dave ‘ABH’ Wilson, but he’s been punched by Gordon ‘Ought To Be In A Secure Unit Within A Padded Cell’ Tiddington.”
The other difference between football then and now is back then it existed, and now it doesn’t.
At last, the Government has sent social care workers the equipment they need. Health Secretary Matt Hancock proudly announced that although they wouldn’t be getting any more protective equipment, he was sending each of them a lovely badge that says “CARE”.
This is what they have been crying out for. Gowns and gloves stop you getting horribly sick but they’re
Other countries have tried to help their medical staff by testing them for the virus. But what use are tests if there’s no badge? This is why in Germany, care workers are all protesting, saying: “The tests might keep us alive but if we haven’t got a badge, is there anything to live for anyway?”
Next week Matt Hancock will be even more generous to our nurses.
If they’re still working as hard, instead of face masks, he might send them each a beer mat with ‘‘Angel” written on it that they can keep forever.
Then, if a doctor has completed a 16-hour shift and doesn’t complain about not having enough masks, he’ll get a fun helium balloon, like the sort you get when you’ve had a baby.
Instead of “It’s a girl” or “It’s a boy”, it will have “It’s a knackered doctor” on the side.
This will even be practical, as the balloon can be used when there’s a shortage of ventilators.
Patients can suck in the helium which will not only help them to breathe but also ask for paracetamol in a funny high-pitched squeak, lifting the spirits of everyone in the ward.
Although the staff say they haven’t got enough protective equipment, Matt Hancock says this is because the nurses waste them by changing too often.
This was clearly the problem all along. The nurses keep trying on different outfits until they find the right style of plastic gloves to go with their skin shade.
Or they complain, “This patient coughed over my gown so now it clashes with my face mask”, and get changed yet again.
Hopefully the medical staff will change their attitude and realise now is not the time to worry about looking smart.
Matt Hancock also said he was delighted with the way we cheer the staff every Thursday and was “proud that health workers are held in such high esteem”.
The Conservatives have always been like that, cheering health workers.
For example, they cheered them when the Bill was passed to prevent their pay rise.
“Hoorah, our health workers will stay broke and have to go to the food bank, hip hip hooray”, they cheered.
But we shouldn’t quibble over the details – they were cheering the health workers and that’s the main thing.
When he leaves his job as Health Secretary, Matt Hancock should be put in charge of the fire brigade.
He can tell firefighters they haven’t got any heat-resistant uniforms or ladders, or fire engines, and the hoses won’t arrive for a couple of years.
But they will each receive a small box of Lego as thanks for all their effort.