Ask Davina for the Dalai virus update
We’ll meet again, with gangstas!
Dame Vera Lynn did all right, I suppose, singing for VE Day at the age of 103. But she needs to come up with some new material.
She can’t expect to build a live following once the lockdown ends, if she keeps on and on with the same songs.
She should at least remake We’ll Meet Again in collaboration with some American gangsta rappers.
They could stand behind her while she glares into the camera covered in gold rings, growling: “We’ll meet again some sunny day, then I’ll blast your ass away,” while one of her homies fires a machine gun from the cliffs of Dover.
Some governments around the world give clear advice as to what their population should do next, such as “Stay indoors for two more weeks”.
But that’s boring. We’re lucky, because our government is much more fun. First they told us: “Changes will be introduced from Monday.” So one Conservative newspaper announced: “Hurrah! Lockdown freedom beckons.”
Then they changed their mind and said nothing can change, then that there would be some change but they wouldn’t let on what it was.
Next week they’ll make it a fun game where we have to guess the change. We could try going to the beach, then if we get tear-gassed by armed police, we’ll know it isn’t that.
Or there could be a panel game live on BBC1 in which a group of celebrities tries to guess the new rules by asking a series of questions while clambering round an obstacle course.
Eventually Davina McCall will ask “are we allowed to drink cider with our mates at a bus shelter?”, while clambering up a slippery ladder, then Matt Hancock will ring a bell and we’ll know that’s the new rule.
With a similar spirit, when Boris Johnson was asked whether we should wear face masks, he said they “might help”. That’s the sort of clear decisive instruction we expect from a leader in a crisis. His hero Churchill was the same, when the Germans tried to invade he said: “I suppose sending some Spitfires up against them might help. I’m not sure really, it’s up to you.”
At one point there was a report that schools could be reopened on May 11, or maybe not. This is ideal, because life is dull when you go somewhere and know for certain it’s open.
This way, parents can take their kids to school and have the excitement of not knowing whether they’ll take them in for lessons, or all get arrested for being outside at a school gate.
This follows the Prime Minister’s earlier clear guidelines, when he said he would absolutely definitely visit his mother on Mother’s Day. He was then equally clear four days later he definitely wouldn’t see his mother on Mother’s Day.
But each time he was clear so that’s the main thing.
It might make more sense if the next statement is written by the Dalai Lama, and says: “You may travel round a bend, but your heart must take you in a straight line, for the playground in the park is the seesaw of your soul.”
This is a government that prides itself in being “masters of communication”. And that’s true, as long as what they wish to communicate is: “You are allowed out from Monday, but only when Monday doesn’t fall on a Monday.
“On Tuesday you are allowed out to visit polar ice caps, or to walk a leopard. On no account must you travel, unless you’re on the way to somewhere. And stay at home at all times when you’re not out, to protect the NHS.”
Bit by bit I’m coming to terms with parts of the modern world I’d avoided, such as Zoom and TikTok and electric toasters. But I’m still baffled by the modern necessity for “feedback”. So you find an email that says: “Please rate your walk to the Co-op on Tripadvisor.” Or: “We noticed last week you bought a KitKat. Would you like to review it?”
The clapping every Thursday is marvellous. But as with Christmas decorations, some people in each street are determined to stand out.
So for them, clapping isn’t enough. The second week they arrived whacking four saucepans with a cricket bat, then a klaxon, followed by an air raid siren and then two giant stacks of speakers with a DJ playing drum and bass that can be heard in Belgium.
Week five involved gelignite, and by next week they’ll fire a cannon up the street, demolishing numbers 19 to
25, because they care more than anyone else.