Do I need a mask? It’s funny you should ask
Thick as two bricks, Don?
Donald Trump has a plan to recover his chances of winning the US election in November. This week he announced: “Joe Biden’s plan to increase energyefficient buildings would harm the vision of their occupants. That means no windows, no nothing.”
This must be his strategy.
Every time Biden announces a policy, such as signing a new deal with Iran, Trump will say: “That means bricking up the windows.”
Last time Trump’s main policy was to build a wall along the entire border so no one could see out of the country at all. He needs to make up his mind.
This is why we love Britain. We’re one week away from having to wear masks by law and no one has a clue what the rules are or when, or where, we have to put them on.
It’s as if NASA said to their astronauts as they were getting into the rocket: “Oh, one more thing. When you get to the moon you’ll need a spacesuit. I think you can pick one up at the chemists. Or maybe WH Smith.”
We’re told we must wear them indoors but only in shops, not in offices, because the virus doesn’t go to offices as it can’t get past reception.
The Prime Minister said we have to wear one in food shops – then Michael Gove said that doesn’t include sandwich shops. Tomorrow they’ll make it even clearer and say: “But you do have to wear one if there’s tomato in the sandwiches, and you must put it on back to front if it’s coronation chicken.”
Every couple of hours a minister tells us the opposite of what his colleague said. So Matt Hancock will assure us the masks only need to be worn in the afternoon, because the virus is lazy and never gets up before midday.
Then Michael Gove tells us this is nonsense and the mask is most effective if we eat it with blended carrot juice.
Then Priti Patel says: “We will instruct all shops to play music. When it stops, that’s when you must put the mask over your mouth. The last one to have theirs on gets deported.” This follows them telling us there was no need for a lockdown before introducing a lockdown.
The Prime Minister told us you couldn’t catch it from shaking hands with someone who had the virus, which makes you wonder how he thought you COULD catch it.
Perhaps he thought it was transmitted by email.
Every change has been announced as a delightful muddle. Now the rules on masks would be clearer if they were written by the people who compile instructions for setting up a sound system that was made in Japan.
When the full guidelines come out they’ll say: “Placing strap B and B2 important under mask of top chin virus D towards ratchet screw F tiddlywink to prevent cough-sneeze.” Eventually Boris Johnson will deliver one of his clear and inspiring speeches, with bits of Latin chucked in to make it even easier to understand, that will go: “We must all, ipso facto as it were, wear masks at all times in shops, unless you are in the shop for the purpose of shopping.
“These masks MUST cover at least one part of the body, such as your toe, or your tail if you are a leopard. Masks will be available from all places that have masks, and only those people without a face will be permitted to work in B&Q.
“Together, we WILL be the leading country, in the world, at leading the world.
“Furthermore, modus operandi, coitus interruptus.”