Let’s be fair to the lying Tory failures...

If we are to assess this government’s first year, we should be fair, and accept it’s been a difficult time with many challenges. So let’s be reasonable, and say: “OH MY GOD, THESE MANIACS ARE SO INCOMPETENT THEY’VE TURNED BRITAIN INTO A BLOODY LEPER COLONY.”

I know the virus is a global problem, but we’re the only place that’s had to be cut off from everywhere.

By next year we’ll watch I’m a Celebrity with someone from Emmerdale eating cockroaches, and think: “Why do they get posh treats like that? It’s all right for them, I’ve only eaten a flea since Tuesday.”

Nigella Lawson’s next series will start with her purring: “Hmmm, look what I found, a fresh mouse. Scrumptious.

“I had to murder the neighbours for it, but hmmm, it was worth it, so let’s see how we season its tail, shall we?”

Anyone watching that film The Revenant, in which Leonardo DiCaprio has to fight a bear and catch wildlife to survive, will be thinking they’re watching footage from their local park earlier that afternoon.

You’d think this would have pleased the Conservative Brexit supporters as they’ve spent 40 years screaming: “We want to be cut off from Europe, we’re sick of Europe – for God’s sake cut us off from Europe.”

But while we were cut off from Europe, the Conservatives were yelling: “How DARE Europe cut us off ? Connect up with us again so we can scream at how we want to be cut off from you, you French pigs.”

Our rates of infection are among the worst in the world, and our economy has suffered as badly.

So the Government responds by claiming we’re the “best in the world” and Priti Patel announces we’re “ahead of the curve”.

This is the strategy now. Rishi Sunak will claim he won the world snooker championship, and Michael Gove will say: “I won first prize at Crufts this morning.” Then it will turn out he did actually enter but came last after he pooped in the judge’s picnic hamper and tried to hump the Marquess of Argyll.

Lying is all they have. Boris Johnson told us there were 174 lorries stuck in Kent the other day when there were more than 1,000. By February, he’ll tell us we don’t need ferries any more because the lorries have learned to swim, and we don’t have to import food because he’s got a magic dragon that breathes out Scotch eggs.

At every step, they ignore all the advice from the scientists and experts.

Each lockdown starts later than anywhere else, so has to go on longer than anywhere else. They opened everything up too early because the cases had gone down, apparently forgetting the reason the cases had gone down was because we weren’t mixing together.

They’re like someone who has to lock a leopard in a cage because it keeps eating people. Then two weeks later, they say: “No one’s been eaten by the leopard for two weeks, so it’s safe to unlock it again and let it run round the old people’s home.”

They’ve handed billions of pounds worth of contracts to their mates, they ran out of protective equipment, their track-and-trace system would be more useful if it was an app called Gipsy

Matilda, in which you have to send a picture of your palm, then an old woman wails: “Oooooo, I see hot flushes and a stay at the Nightingale – you must selfisolate, my dear.” And many of us excuse it all by saying: “Oh well, it’s a difficult job, they’re doing their best.”

And I suppose this makes sense – in the same way that plumbing is a difficult job. So you might say: “A plumber came to fix the toilet, so he shoved dynamite in the cistern and blew the house up. Now we’re living in a tent that we rent off his mate for £12billion a year.

Still, you can’t blame him, he’s doing a difficult job with many challenges.”

Anyway,

Happy

New

Year.