Sunday Mirror

Finally... I have faith in revealing my true self

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This week I received a disgusting message from a troll, which made me think it’s high time I came out of the closet to proclaim that I am not a practising Muslim.

It has taken me till the age of 50 to find the courage to say it.

I’m doing it now for my own wellbeing. I want to be honest and feel free to live my life by my own rules.

I feel that by saying this as a public figure, I will no longer inadverten­tly confuse or unintentio­nally hurt others of the Muslim faith.

I must be clear that I do not represent any Muslim communitie­s – especially Muslim women.

The problem for women like me, who have a Muslim name and are of Asian heritage, is that others make assumption­s about us before we even open our mouths.

People assume that because we have Muslim parents we are practising Muslims, that we have read the Quran, that we fast every Ramadan, that we don’t drink, that we don’t have sex before marriage.

I respect people who have Islam in their lives – some are the most humble people I know.

However, I don’t share their conviction. I’ve tried hard over many years, not for myself, but for my parents and the wider family.

As a woman, the more pious you are, the more respect your family is given. My family mean the world to me, so I’ve pretended to be someone I’m not to make them happy. But the trouble is, when you live a lie you only hurt yourself. Saying I’m Muslim and then having a boyfriend behind closed doors, wearing clothes that go against the Muslim dress code, having a cheeky drink and living a non-Muslim life only brings guilt, self-loathing, loneliness and a feeling of being caged.

I know that one of the reasons I have been so angry and unhappy in my life is because of the many contradict­ions I’ve had to live with.

My milestones have always been tinged with shame and guilt – marrying Steve, being on the telly talking about my life, adopting a child, and not following Islamic rules on her inheritanc­e rights.

When you have no passion or conviction for what is expected of you, no matter how hard you try, your true feelings will rise to the top and you will have to deal with them. I’ve not dared to share these feelings before because the very few Muslim women who have already made the admission are called sinful and some have even been targeted with death threats.

But as a 50-year-old educated, independen­t woman with my own family and life experience­s, I now have the courage to say that I’m not practising.

What I am is someone brought up in the Muslim faith, with parents who practised it. So I have an insight into Islam. Most of my values are based on the spiritual aspects of the Muslim faith.

But I’m also influenced by other spiritual teachings.

I have found a huge relief in being honest.

I feel this was the last taboo to overcome before I could live my best, most happy and fulfilled life.

I’ve binge-watched every series of The Crown, and was mesmerised by how well Emma Corrin captured the essence of Princess Diana – her fun side as well as her sadness and frustratio­ns.

So it’s great the show’s been given five nods at this year’s Screen Actors Guild Awards.

Emma, 25, is up for Outstandin­g Performanc­e by a Female Actor in a Drama Series – and I really hope she wins because I think she truly is marvellous.

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 ??  ?? REAL ME Having a drink with hubby Steve at Xmas
REAL ME Having a drink with hubby Steve at Xmas

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