If nurses were useless they’d be £12bn richer
SAS veteran, 51, turns back time as he rejoins regiment
They said they would never forget the nurses after all they’ve done, and they have indeed remembered them, because they’ve offered them a pay rise of one per cent.
It’s the sort of reward you get from a grandad when you’re seven. Rishi Sunak should have asked a nurse to hold her hand out and say: “Here you are, dear, that’s to get yourself a lollipop on your holidays. Don’t waste it.”
Then Boris Johnson would tell them: “Say thank you to Mr Sunak, or you can give it back.”
When Rishi hears the nurses aren’t satisfied, he might tell them: “In that case, we’ll also give you the chance to earn an extra pound if you wash the pigs on Jacob Rees-Mogg’s farm.”
Some Conservatives offered the explanation that if the nurses had been given a bigger rise “everyone would want a bigger rise”.
Maybe they said something similar to SERCO and the companies they offered £12billion to for a test and trace system.
They must have looked them firmly in the eye, and said: “If we give you billions of pounds for a system that never works, EVERYONE will want billions of pounds to provide something that never works.”
This is what the nurses need to do. Instead of whining, they should stick in a bid to develop something they’re incapable of providing. Then the staff at Whipps Cross Hospital should call Matt Hancock, and promise to provide all
Britain’s electricity using an old sock, for only £12billion. The money would be delivered the next morning.
There are other people who have managed to get by, such as Matt Hancock’s friend and neighbour Alex Bourne, who was given a contract to supply millions of little vials after he contacted Hancock on WhatsApp.
The nurses should show this initiative. Instead of swanning about with bedpans and respirators, they should do something useful, such as moving next door to Matt Hancock.
Characters such as Dido Harding – who’s in charge of the track and tracing system that’s almost useless and is married to a Conservative MP – is probably disgusted that nurses get paid at all.
She’s unpaid for her test and trace role, working as a volunteer, so she must think: “Why can’t they do the same? Isn’t it rather vulgar, wishing to be remunerated for attending to the sick? Don’t they have a trust fund or family estate?”
But this government is usually quick to correct its mistakes, so I expect Rishi Sunak will soon announce: “We have decided to be even more generous to our medical staff, and are providing a 25 per cent increase in the amount of tax-free applause.
“Starting next April, I’ll instruct my servants to clap loudly on Wednesday mornings and even shout, ‘You go, hospital people’, rising to a whistle on a Saturday, because we will never ever forget the valuable contribution of their profession, whose name I can’t quite recall.”
Following the success of the gloriously surreal
Masked Singer, ITV is making The Masked Dancer, and Strictly’s
Oti Mabuse will be a new judge. Ideally, the first episode will feature a dancing sausage that trips up the badger, and jumps on the robin before putting it in a headlock, while everyone shouts, “It’s obviously Priti Patel” and Ofcom orders ITV to pay £340,000.
A GRANDAD has rejoined the SAS at the age of 51.
He became the Who Dares Wins regiment’s oldest serving member after top brass appealed for ex-soldiers to rejoin.
And he joins fellow former special forces colleagues in a unique reservist unit called L-Det – or Let detachment. They can be called up in times of emergency for UK-based intelligence work, training and to free up regular members. But the reservists can deploy on operations as well.
The soldier, who has served in Northern Ireland, the Balkans, Iraq and Afghanistan, told friends:
“I was regarded as old when the Iraq War kicked off and I deployed in my mid-30s. The young blokes were calling me old timer and grandad.
“Now I really am a grandad and
I’m rejoining. The SAS has been a major part of my life and I loved it. I missed the job, the people and the craic.
“And although I might not be as fast as a 25-year-old, I still train every day, running half marathons and hitting the gym.”
One ex-SAS officer said: “A 50-year-old soldier today is far fitter than a 50-year-old 30 years ago. We have a lot to offer.”