Choose new monarch every week by lottery
£600 fury of owners in shadow of Emirates
There’s an easy answer to sort out the Royal Family’s problems. As I’ve argued before, we must keep the monarchy, but the Royal Family should change every week and be chosen by a National Lottery.
With my system, instead of awkward battles and secret arguments, Nicholas Witchell would come on the 10 o’clock news to say: “Queen Eileen has issued a strongly worded statement, saying, ‘Prince Terry was out of order – it weren’t his place to remove security from our Kevin but you can’t tell him. He’s always been the bleedin’ same, the muppet.’ ” And that would be the end of it. Because all their difficulties come from the fact that the royals have no idea about normal life. In her interview, Meghan Markle said she couldn’t follow the strict Palace rules, but no one normal could understand them. To the Palace, it makes sense that, “If one is a Duchess in the third drawing room, and the second son to the reigning monarch should enter, one’s valet must place a porcupine within one’s corset, and cry, ‘May I humbly prickle within, your highness and custodian of the holy ginger beer.’ ”
But the lottery method would make the royals accessible. One week, an old family from East London would be royal, so the National Anthem would be a pub singalong, and go, “It’s a giggle being Queen, Though the Palace needs a clean, And I’ve chucked out all the corgis ’cos I don’t know where they’ve been.”
The next week, a 22-year-old from South London would be king, so the anthem would be a rap that went: “God
save the king, for I ain’t seen anyting’, like them crown jewels, dat is massive bling, big up myself, ’cos I is ruler of the Commonwealth.”
The monarch is head of the Church of England, so the church would be the religion of that week’s lottery winner. Some weeks it would be a Christian, but the next week it might be a pagan who lives in a wigwam in Devon. So that week, vicars across England would have to change their name to something like Spirit of the Wind, who would say: “Now let us chant our first hymn, number 236, Um Oo Oo Aaa, bring me peace and a box of chickpeas.”
Instead of shooting parties, each week at Sandringham there would be a Call of Duty computer game party. Servants would prepare the grounds, saying: “The controls are ready Your Highness.”
Every time the Prince of Wales blew up a zombie, the gamekeeper would say: “Excellent shot, sir, shall I digitally bag your kill for you?”
Under my system, none of the Royal Family’s current problems would have happened. Princess Angela, formerly Ange who worked in the Three Stags in Doncaster, would give an interview that went: “If he were best mates wit’ bloody paedo, he’s no relation o’ mine, I tell ’ee that for nowt.”
Then Nicholas Witchell would come on the 10 o’clock news to say: “This forthright response from a senior royal seems to have restored public support for the monarchy.”
The current royals would be fine, as they’d all get a deal with Netflix, and I’d get a knighthood for saving the monarchy.
Andy Murray and Kim Sears announced they’ve had a fourth child this week, which is marvellous if, like me, you’re a slobbering fan of them. This is honestly true, I was watching Murray on a pub television, and he was losing. The man next to me said: “I’m glad he’s losing, I can’t stand him, he makes me sick. Baaaaa Andy bloody Murray, makes my day when he loses.” I said: “Mate, why don’t you like him?” He said: “Well he’s miserable ain’t he?”
ARSENAL are passing on huge insurance fees to owners of unsafe flats.
The football giant’s property arm has doubled bills for leaseholders living by the Emirates Stadium. The Queensland complex – built by a housing trust on Arsenal land – has 110 flats, houses the club’s community hub and is used by players to access underground parking.
But since the Grenfell Tower disaster, in which 72 people died, it has failed safety checks. Owners will pay up to £50,000 a flat for repairs if they miss out on a fund. Now buildings insurance is up £51,193 to £95,001.
Rhiannon Creasey, 34, saw her one-bedroomed flat insurance rise from £310 to £673.
She said: “It hurts. A club with all the riches in the world passing on soaring insurance.”
Ex-Labour leader Jeremy
Corbyn, local MP and Arsenal fan, said: “The residents should not bear the costs here.”
Arsenal said: “We take health and safety extremely seriously. We pay market rates and recharge to leaseholders. This is standard practice.”