It’s No 10 party time by any means necessary
Boris Johnson’s government has explained it was fine for them to have a series of parties last year, while the rest of us were ordered to isolate, because the rules were perfectly clear.
These were that you must have no contact with anyone whatsoever – unless you were all getting p***ed together in a tiny room.
So less necessary people, such as patients dying alone in hospital, could have invited families into the wards if they’d all brought balloons and a crate of San Miguel lager, and had a laugh by putting helium in the respirator and taking turns to talk in a squeaky voice.
To make it even more official, they could have served canapes by the X-ray machine and sped up the heart monitors until they sounded like a dance track in a nightclub.
Then they could have stayed for their aunt’s last few hours.
Throughout this time, kids had to be home-schooled, but they’d have been allowed into class with their mates if they’d all taken a bottle of vodka to a maths lesson and played a game where you had to drink a cupful then do your 12 times table.
The Government assured us the parties were “within the rules” as they were “necessary meetings”.
BJ will clarify the new rules by saying: “It’s OK to kiss under the mistletoe as long as one of you is inside and one of you is outside and if it’s a stranger, we urge you to put sanitiser on your tongue, but feel
free to have unprotected sex on the train home, but only in first class.”
So many people conducted all their meetings on Zoom for months in isolation. But that’s because their meetings weren’t “necessary”.
They were about rubbish that didn’t matter such as skyscraper design, or interviews for the head of a space agency.
They weren’t important, like the “necessary” meetings at No 10 where issues were raised such as whether everyone had a tequila shot and was ready to down it in one.
Soon it will be revealed that in lockdown there was a party at No10 in which 200 people squashed in a hot tub but it was an essential hot tub in which “necessary business was discussed”. One inside source will claim “the distribution of protective equipment for medical staff throughout the East Midlands was high on the agenda while guests were drinking champagne from a flowerpot”.
Boris will intervene, saying: “The exotic dancers were very necessary as they gave valuable insights into how we can improve trade relations with
Belgium.” Now the Government has again laid out clear rules for how to behave this Christmas, announcing the slogan Carry On, Christmas.
I expect this means there will be a massive Carry On party in Downing Street in which Boris Johnson will exclaim: “Gawd blimey, it’s not my face that needs a mask to keep me out of trouble.”
And then Priti Patel will screech: “Ooo my word, I’ve been doublejabbed by Mr
Hancock”.