Andrew goes too far with modernising lark
My sure hire tips for The Apprentice
Many people suggest they love the royals, because at heart they’re just an ordinary family. So we should be grateful to the extra effort Prince Andrew has put in to make them seem not just ordinary, but like the family on the housing estate everybody signs a petition to get evicted.
If they’d been on the Jeremy Kyle show, their title along the bottom would have gone on for 20 minutes, starting: “One son involved with gang that was put in jail… another son married teenager while having affair with woman he eventually married after first one crashed in car… grandkids cut off after fleeing to Canada and calling family racist on TV…”
If they did live in a normal street, all the neighbours would whisper to each other: “They were at it again last night, keeping us awake by shooting partridges until two in the morning.”
Now Andrew’s case for ending civil proceedings in which he’s accused of sex offences is that the accuser once received money in a “non-disclosure deal”, to keep quiet about similar goings-on from the man thought to have been arranging them. This seems an unusual line to take, to say: “I didn’t do it. And it’s not fair because she promised she wouldn’t mention it.”
But I’m sure Andrew knows what he’s doing. I might try something similar next time I get a fine for driving in a bus lane.
It’s probably all part of his selfless campaign to modernise his family, by making them seem like they’re from a typical troubled background. I expect the
Andrew and his mum next story will be that Andrew has been training the corgis for dog-fighting in the grounds of Balmoral.
He’ll invite his mates over and they’ll stand in the woods betting, and shouting: “GO on Digger, use your teeth son.”
Then he’ll be exposed selling iPads that he robbed from PC World, after he was caught because CCTV showed him using a Range Rover as his getaway car.
And the security guard identified him because Andrew demanded he stood up and saluted him even though he was tied to a chair.
But his defence team will argue the case should be thrown out because the store once signed a non-disclosure deal with Crazy Ernie, who’s doing 25 years for blowing up the Bank of England with gunpowder. But he’ll clear it all up in an interview on Newsnight, in which he explains he only went round the pubs of Windsor selling the iPads, because he needed to explain to the bar staff that he wasn’t going to buy their crisps any more.
The Queen has reportedly been paying his legal fees, but she needs to go further to complete the image.
She has to arrive at the court screaming: “He’s f***ing innocent you **** ”, while
William yells “What you f***ing looking at? Do you want some, do you?” to the judge, for asking him to put out his cigarette and turn off his motorbike in the courtroom.
They’re worth every penny.