In the name of God, end blame game PM
Sometimes you have to simply watch in awe, and wonder how he’s Prime Minister. This week he told us no one had told him the party he went to was against the rules, although it took place at a time when he announced every night that parties were against the rules.
Soon he will explain in detail that: “I wasn’t told the rules I read out were rules. I thought they were a bus timetable, or lyrics of a song by Bruce Springsteen, or instructions for erecting an IKEA CD rack.”
Then a series of emails will be discovered, warning him the party was against the rules, so he’ll say: “Ah but they were in English, and at the time I only spoke Klingon.”
One of the worst parts is the standard of lying is so poor. If you had a three-yearold boy who drew on the wall then lied about it this badly you would sob “what sort of demented child is this” and end up talking to Lorraine on ITV about the moment you discovered your son had “Lying Idiot Fruitbat Syndrome”.
Now he’s trying to appeal to his backbench MPs with new announcements such as scrapping the TV licence. Next he’ll announce: “We are bringing back fox-hunting, but indoors in leisure centres to appeal to Red Wall voters.”
Then he decided to blame whoever he could to save himself such as the staff or whoever forgot to tell him about the rules. By Wednesday he’ll say: “The party in the garden wouldn’t have happened if the gardener hadn’t put a garden there.”
Then he’ll blame the Queen, saying:
“She made me organise a party as she had too much cheese and hummus coming up to its sell-by date, and she hates waste, and she said if I didn’t do it she’d get Andrew to poison my dog.”
Even if he was telling the truth about how much he remembers, you could argue that if you can’t remember an illegal party in your own garden you probably ought to be in a home with a warden rather than in charge of a country with nuclear weapons.
Instead he’s set off a war in the Conservative Party. David Davis quoted Oliver Cromwell at his old colleague Johnson, saying: “In the name of God, go.”
And he’ll probably go further this week and quote the Duke of Wellington saying in 1822: “**** off and don’t come back you useless lying **** .”
So now Johnson is in such tangles that he tells us he apologises for breaking the rules he didn’t break as he can’t have known what were the rules he didn’t break, but he can’t know if he was where he said he was when he was breaking the rules he didn’t know he was breaking despite making them, until the investigation tells him.
I hope he stays for a few weeks because the country’s stuffed but we deserve some entertainment in return.