Boo do you think you are kidding, Mr Boris?
The Conservative Party can now appeal to us with a catchy new slogan. Nearly half of their MPS can tell us: “Vote for Boris Johnson, who I think should resign for being a filthy incompetent dirtbag, but nonetheless is an excellent Prime Minister. And make Britain proud!”
It’s like an advert that says: “Get your shopping at our supermarket because only 41% of the board think it’s being run by an incompetent, cheating, scurrilous, lying dingbat. Even so, we have some lovely spring onions.”
Following his confidence vote, the PM announced: “I have learned the lessons, and will listen to those people who say I have been too arrogant and untruthful.
“So I reach out to those that voted against me and say... THAT STUFFED YOU, LOSERS! I won by over 50,000 – so you’re ALL SACKED!”
One minister decided this wasn’t crazy enough, so he told us: “Ukrainian President Zelensky will be punching the air when he hears Boris has won.”
Next week he’ll tell us that Nelson Mandela was also thrilled, as was Joan of Arc and Tian Tian, the giant panda in Edinburgh Zoo.
Johnson’s supporters said he “reaches people that normal politicians can’t connect with” – and that does seem to be true.
Because there are lots of people, who don’t normally have any opinion about
politics, who say: “‘He was having parties while we stayed in and couldn’t see our relatives, the cheating, lying ******* ******** **** .”
So he should be praised for making people take an interest in politics.
He even managed to be booed at the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee.
His supporters claim the booing was organised, and that’s probably true. Because they were all communists, those people waving Union Jacks while queueing up to cheer
Her Majesty.
Now he insists he’ll “restart” his reign with exciting new policies. So over the next few weeks we can expect him to announce ideas such as “Help to buy your own pig. If you can’t afford a house, never mind, because we will loan first-time buyers £200 towards a pig.”
Then he’ll create a Volcano Tsar, boasting: “If you see a volcano in your area you can contact the Volcano Tsar and if the volcano isn’t put out in an hour you will receive £30 in Premium Bonds.”
He’ll abolish all decimal numbers, so any judge on Strictly Come Dancing awarding 10 to a dancer will be immediately arrested.
He’ll announce we will rejoin the EU every Christmas Day, so we can leave again on Boxing Day.
Then Britain will look back on this time in the same way you look back on that period of your life when you fell in love with someone who slept in a wardrobe and said they had evidence that Bugs Bunny was working for the CIA.
We’ll try to laugh it off, but deep down we’ll be ashamed, and we’ll mumble and change the subject and try to pretend it never
happened.