Energy crisis makes me proud to be Brit
The trouble with this country is people try to run us down and I’m SICK of it. We’re so much better off than the French. They nationalised their energy companies and subsidise people’s bills, AND they have all of August off work, so thank the Lord we’ve broken away from those idiots.
And they retire at 62, but here we can’t retire until 67.
That means we’re out of the house for five more years, so we save on heating costs, so we’re lucky to be BRITISH.
Because we have basic freedoms, such as the freedom to own a gas company and charge people double whenever we fancy. You try doing that if you’re German. They won’t let you!
Because, as the Government explains, you can’t solve the problem of people not having enough money to pay their heating bills by giving them enough money to pay their heating bills.
Instead, they’re more helpful. They offer advice on how to use less energy.
Ministers suggest: “Why not buy some radioactive waste from a nuclear power plant? Feed it to your cat, then on a winter evening it will give off a crackling green glow so you can leave lights off.”
Or: “This winter, instead of making those gas bills higher by cooking meat in an oven, simply become a werewolf and live off raw flesh, saving on all that cooking.” Next week, Grant Shapps will suggest we save on baths and showers by popping to our local zoo where a gibbon will keep us clean by picking all the dirt out of our hair.
So you can understand why people like
Boris Johnson and Liz Truss are fed up with people talking the country down by making comments such as, “Oh my God, I’m thousands of pounds in debt to British Gas and I’m terrified”, the miserable whingers.
You don’t catch Boris Johnson moaning just because there’s a crisis.
During the last one he even stayed cheerful by enjoying a series of parties in his garden. If we all had that positive attitude, we might stay more perky.
One day we’ll probably find out they’ve been just as imaginative during the energy crisis. It will turn out that while they’re telling everyone to use less electricity, Boris Johnson and Liz Truss have been running a welding shop from the basement of 10 Downing Street, and fiddled the wiring so it’s charged to an old people’s home.
The trouble is it’s complicated to work out how to solve this problem – of energy companies becoming richer by taking more money off the rest of us. Because if there’s a thief who is thieving billions of pounds off people, the way to resolve the problem isn’t to stop the thief. A better solution is to advise everyone to save money by eating their pets and using water from the washing machine to make tea, then they’ll have enough to keep paying the thief, and that’s by far the most important thing.