CBB meat-heads
THURSDAY’S EastEnders. Jack all Branning: “Are you looking right?” A troubled- “Yeah.” Ronnie Mitchell: tossing and Jack: “You were turning in the night.” the heat.” Ronnie: “Must be up as high Yes, Ron. It’s getting in most as 12C overnight East parts of the South at the moment. MOVE aside, Professor Stephen Hawking.Two of the finest minds known to science are locked in debate in the Celebrity Big Brother house.
Chloe Khan, nee Mafia, of X Factor reject fame: “I don’t eat meat.”
Stephen “Bear” Bear, the brash chump you didn’t see on Ex On The Beach: “Do you eat fish?” Chloe: “Yes.” Bear: “That’s meat.” Chloe: “It’s not meat.” Bear: “Yeah, it is.” Chloe: “A fish is not an animal.” Bear: “A fish has got to be an animal.” Chloe: “Who told you so?” Bear: “I’ve just heard. No?” Chloe: “No. Don’t believe what you hear.”
Such is the calibre of clientele we’re dealing with on CBB 18, which, to be fair, has had an extraordinary opening week.ee
A US reality star named Aubrey, unablenable to function in civilised society, spatt in a
award goes to... jam sandwich and cuppa and served it to Bear. Passive- aggressive horror Bear smashed a mirror, earning seven years of bad reality shows, by hurling a mug in anger. Then he ripped the diary room door from its lock and cowered like a chicken from the bouncer on the other side.
Geordie Shore’s Marnie Simpson, who’s “had sex on TV quite a few times” but insists: “I would say I’m quite classy,” flashed her boobs in the face of Loose Women’s high-maintenance nightmare Saira Khan after a falling out. Literally.
Stupidity
And Chloe smeared chilli powder and sun tan lotion in the bed of complete jerk Heavy D (real name Colin), from Storage Hunters apparently.
He is so degrading to women that he referred to her as “that” in her presence after she rejected his advances.
If you haven’t clocked the common denominator here, it’s that C5, in their idiocy, have once again overloaded the house with reality TV nonentities.
Three of them, from across the pond, we’ve never heard of.
They i nclude Frankie Grande, “America’s answer to Louie Spence”. And there I was thinking Louie Spence was the ultimate rhetorical question.
Most of the others we’ve never heard of either. Yet despite all their transgressions, only one has earned a permanent removal from the house.
That honour goes to Christopher Biggins for sheer stupidity, thereby depriving the house of half of its celebrities (only Sam Fox remains).
Hand on heart, I am starting to enjoy this series. The rows have been refreshingly organic and, for once, not engineered by the one-trick production team.
And they culminated in this fallout, on Friday night: “Respect goes a long way.”
Towie’s Lewis Bloor: “R-E-S-T-E-C-P. What does that spell?” Err, restecp... MONTHS of campaigning, debates and propaganda followed by weeks of endless EU referendum fallout and speculation. And yet nobody, until Wednesday night, had truly tackled the real issue. Disregard all the financial experts and political analysts. I give you Gogglebox: Brexit Special’s Baasit Siddique: “Forget any points for Eurovision. We will always be at the bottom now.” Nailed it. Thanks, Brexit. Thanks a bunch.